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Monday, September 29, 2003

Dr. Jiwani decided to remain in Tanzania and is selling his clinic. I took my files and decided to follow Dr. Kamyab. Everyone else in the Romanian community is taking their medical files and returning to that Romanian doctor with apologies for years of neglect.

Ah, sadness, I will never see Dr. Jiwani again, and I have one less tie to my childhood neighbourhood. When am I going to visit Tanzania? I've got Ethiopia, Tunisia, Ghana and Nigeria on my list - why aren't they neighbouring countries?



Monday, September 29, 2003

Non-Arizona Cheryl went to Shambala. She reports that she saw Patrick, a Liger (the offspring of a tiger mother and a lion father), and that a Tigon would be the opposite (a lion mother and a tiger father). The only documented case of the rare ti-tigon (tiger-tigon offspring), one Nathaniel, was born on September 16, 1983.



Saturday, September 27, 2003

And what superpower do I have?

"Say what? Your superpower is ANIMAL COMMUNICATION! Many people pretend to talk to their pets, but you can really, truly do it. Have you ever mimicked the monkeys or the penguins at the zoo? If you have, you're on your way to becoming a great animal communicator, just like Aquaman with his fishy friends. Some people think animal communication has to be vocal. Not so. Any superhero knows that mental telepathy is where it's at. So while barking at Fido might be fun, it's not the practice you really need. Instead, try thinking like an animal. When you get into the mindset of, say, a squirrel, you'll be able to truly communicate with one. Of course it's a two way street, because you'll be able to understand everything they say back, too. And they've got a lot to tell! Imagine talking to a walrus about the deep ocean or to an ant about life underground. Once you've perfected your superhuman gift, you'll never be without interesting conversation."



Saturday, September 27, 2003

Discover your past life, it said. Alright, what am I?

"Come on out of your shell � in your former life you were a turtle name Gifford. The details are a bit sketchy, but we do have a brief summary based on public records: You were born in a small pond beside a saloon. Despite having an exceptionally athletic father, you seemed to prefer sunbathing and mud baths to more active pursuits. Contrary to the rumor, your favorite color was never green, but actually blue. Few people knew that you were a talented poet because most of your work was destroyed during a flash flood that swept away not only your library, but your entire community. Fortunately you had the pluck to survive, settle down, make some eggs, and live happily ever after with your wife Melinda and your 20 offspring."



Saturday, September 20, 2003

Sona writes: "Please read this article about Delta Airlines and how it treats some of its passengers. This is such an outrage!"



Saturday, September 20, 2003

Sometimes canaries escape. If they survive, they usually find their way to swallow colonies and the swallows accept them. Usually these canaries adapt to the wilderness by becoming bigger and more muscular. If you see swallows flying in groups, look out for canaries.



Saturday, September 20, 2003

I was reading someone else's blog and they met a midget. Oddly enough I ran into a midget yesterday. A businessman midget by my old office.



Monday, September 15, 2003

Anisoara enjoys jumping off the dishwasher into the potato bin. She emits a little squeak each time.



Monday, September 15, 2003

Waiting for the light to turn green. "Can I give you a quick palm-reading?" said the stranger. "Make a fist." He took my hand and told me I will have two boys and two girls. Then he opened my hand. "Your emotional and intelligence lines are very good. And your lifeline almost reaches your wrist. That's a good sign. You are very fertile."

The other pedestrians began crossing the street. "The walk sign is green. Time's up!"

I didn't neglect my thank-you's.



Friday, September 12, 2003

Anisoara has taken up residence in a box of Corn Flakes. She has been sleeping there for hours. Whenever I reach in to grab her, she burrows in deeper.



Thursday, September 11, 2003

So was Walt Whitman really that rich?

I love how another "famous Ethiopian poet" does not "rape and abuse" the Ethiopian language, but rather pens this breath-taking and succinct description: "Arr!" And, for the lay reader, he masterfully translates it as "KaKa." Yes, down with bad poets!



Thursday, September 11, 2003

Happy Ethiopian New Year! This man lost his Kuki.



Thursday, September 11, 2003

I never went to one of these when I was in Addis. What I really like is this: There were also calls in the Ethiopian Parliament for a law to be passed that would "strip people who are found guilty of engaging in illegal nude activities of their citizenship as they have willingly stripped their bodies of clothes." And here's a great solution from the group Ethiopians for Decency (EFD) : "We also demand that the arrested be made to walk naked throughout Addis Ababa in broad daylight to be lessons to others."



Thursday, September 11, 2003

Looks like I am not the only one with an obese pet. Yay! It's trendy!



Monday, September 08, 2003

There was a debate in the office. Half were on the side that human flesh tastes like pork and half objected, saying that it is more akin to chicken.



Monday, September 08, 2003

Jennifer invented a new word. Dogress. Used when dog lovers go off on tangents about their pets.



Monday, September 08, 2003

-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: Monday, September 08, 2003 10:13 AM
To: Me (Temp)
Subject: Took one of your orders... Voxcom Security Systems. :)


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 10:14 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Creep! How dare ye!!!!

OK, that's alright.


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 10:38 AM
To: Me (Temp)
Subject: RE: Took one of your orders... Voxcom Security Systems. :)

Took another one... Windflower Moon-Gifts For The Spirit. :)


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 10:43 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

I wanted to do that one!

OK, OK, take it and be gone. :)-


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 10:43 AM
To: Me (Temp)

OK, here I go... I'm begone... *puff*


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 10:44 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Ooooh, pretty magic.


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:07 AM
To: Me (Temp)

*puff* I'm back and stolen another order for Soul Designs Inc... why do you seem to have all my orders today?? Oops, gotta go! *puff*


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:08 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

What? What? Why...there goes Magical Jonathan again! Zipping between this and that reality!


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: Monday, September 08, 2003 11:10 AM
To: Me (Temp)

*puff* Yep, that's me! *chug* Oops... that's not right. Let me try again. *chug* Damn! Guess I'll have to wal-- *puff*


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:12 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Whew! He's gone! Magical Jonathan obviously didn't realize he materialized in our realm with a big booger hanging from his nose.


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:14 AM
To: Me (Temp)

You just had to go for the potty humour, didn't you? Sheesh... all that education gone to waste! :)


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:16 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Well, I'll just go back to my serious highbrow self. Jeeves, my monocle! And start up the automobile, I think I will catch the evening showing of that convoluted Shaw play.


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:18 AM
To: Me (Temp)

Ah... much better... reality returning to normal... now I must go back to my dimension and dance with the purple gnomes of Tal'shire Bog! *puff*



-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:20 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

I have this online buddy from somewhere in the states and the reason I met him is because of some gnome cooking book he was talking about. I don't know how we got into talking about it but he's seen this book that tells you how to hunt & cook the little things.


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:21 AM
To: Me (Temp)

I guess they could taste good... once you remove their pointy shoes and hats and shave off their beards. Still something fundamentally disturbing about doing it though.


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:24 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Well, human flesh apparently tastes of pork...so we must share some genetic code with gnomes if they look so much like us. Oh, wait, I think you meant disturbing as in "cannibalism is taboo." In that case I should add that almost everything I read of faerie folk seems to suggest that they won't let themselves be so easily eaten. In fact I think we have more to fear from them...ever hear of the Japanese kappa?


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:26 AM
To: Me (Temp)

Kappa... hmm... nope, never heard of it. Let me guess, does it involve gnomes with a lust for the blood of Japanese businessmen?


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:30 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Kappas are green, have an indented head filled with water, live in water, and have a taste for cucumbers. Sometimes they rape, but usually they sneak up on you if you get too close to the water and rip out your anus.


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:32 AM
To: Me (Temp)

Ah... the Japanese have such a wonderful sense of whimsy, don't they?? YECH!!!


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:33 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

So how long are you staying in our realm? What do you do in your Tal'shire Bog?


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:35 AM
To: Me (Temp)

Outside of dancing with the purple gnomes? Not much... slay mutant spiders... hang out at the mall... you know... that kind of stuff!


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:36 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Oh, mutant spiders? I thought spiders didn't like bog water. So what stuff can you buy at alternate realm malls?


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:40 AM
To: Me (Temp)

The usual. Pan-dimensional shaving cream (spanning dimensions makes it very hard to get a close shave!), quantum sun block (in case you are travelling at the speed of light through a super nova), and all sorts of postcards and junk.


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:41 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

So, um, no clothes?


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:46 AM
To: Me (Temp)

You mean, am I wearing any? Of course I always have my snark hide hypersuit on... oh, you mean at the mall? No no... we can't sell clothes at the mall as it attracts the spiders. We can only make clothes out of the creatures here called snarks, which are small, gooey little rodents. Unfortunately, snarks are the main food of the mutant spiders which is why we always have trouble with them. A few bleems ago, there was talk about perhaps finding something else to make our clothes out of so maybe the spiders would start to leave us alone. It was going well until the entire R & D department were eaten... so, anyhoo, that's why we do a lot of dimension jumping. Safer that way.


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:48 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Ah, hence the Hunting of the Snark is based on real incidents in your realm. I always wondered what kind of animal it was. So how big are these spiders? How did they mutate? And how long is a bleem?


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 11:53 AM
To: Me (Temp)

The spiders are about the size of a tarantula in your dimension, however they can jump huge distances (longest distance was about 57 of your kilometres) and they spit acid. They also smell really bad as they come from the less popular side of the bog. No one's sure about how they learned to jump so far and spit acid but it's just been generally accepted that if either you or I grew up on that side of the bog, we'd probably learn to do the same thing. And a bleem is approximately twenty-two chelms.


-----Original Message-----
From: Me (Temp)
Sent: 11:56 AM
To: Jonathan (Temp)

Tarantulas have blue blood! I thought about making a blue tarantula pudding...I wonder if their innards are as tasty as sea urchin gizzards. Oh, 22 chelms, but of course. So what's so bad about that side of the bog?


-----Original Message-----
From: Jonathan (Temp)
Sent: 12:01 PM
To: Me (Temp)

Well, we don't generally talk about the dark side of the bog. It's a taboo subject. It just sucks over there and we've come to accept it.



Sunday, September 07, 2003



Saturday, September 06, 2003

Last night two more postcards! Five all week, including a mysterious one from someone who knows me but whom I don't recognize.

And last night, a big box waiting on my threshhold. From Switzerland, the customs label said it contained pencils. Ms. Morita sent me 80 watercolour pencils! Extreme excitement!



Saturday, September 06, 2003

Garrison Keillor: "My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1648 in the hope of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time. "



Saturday, September 06, 2003

I remember the quote about the Beckham autobiography - "it's like eating yard after yard of muslin." I found another one, this one from Lord Tennyson regarding Ben Jonson: "Reading him is like wading through glue."



Thursday, September 04, 2003

Two long distance calls tonight!

Shirley discovered that dogs can travel on Calgary buses. for the maiden voyage, she had to carry her giant, frightened Ethiopian terrier aboard. But Socrates readily hopped on the bus the second time around.



Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Fortune tellers are great. Bekka at the Blackberry Festival excelled in her craft. She looked in my teacup: "The Fish!"

"What? What does the Fish mean?" I asked.

"It is very rare. Very good, too. Someone did a very good job of raising you."

Despite my Gemini airiness, I am more akin to water. I should work near the water; that is where I can enrich myself. The fortune teller thrice suggested a cannery. Or perhaps in a forest. No, near water is better.

I will have one child if I marry once and three children if I marry twice. "Nobody likes to hear that they will divorce, but that is what the cup tells me," said Bekka.

And I have an aura - psychic powers that are greater than her own. That is why I attract animals.

Fifteen minutes with Bekka cost $10.



Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Quite a few memorable shorts at the 48-Hour Film Festival. �She Mails Things to Herself� is the one that first comes to mind. A plastic ass. Floating about.



Tuesday, September 02, 2003

A startling discovery! There was bacon in my sandwich. It�s the second time in two weeks I encountered bacon. Food of the Gods! Whatever possessed me to avoid bacon all these years? A little can�t hurt.



Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Anisoara bled. Was she having a hamster period? They only affect some female hamster once or twice in their lives. Or was it a uterine tumour? The vet asked me to bring a stool sample. The verdict: possibly constipated. I have been administering cherry-flavoured antibiotics via a syringe-like eyedropper twice a day to a very squirmy Anisoara. Whenever I open her cage door she runs into her little house, avoiding the hand lunging for her.


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