Sunday, February 22, 2004

Decisions are hard to make. So when I get spam with imperatives in the subject line, I feel a sense of relief that I don't have to make any difficult choices that day.

For example, today Daisy Sanford wrote "Buy watches bud." She probably forgot my real name and had to revert to the generic "bud." Spammers are so busy sending out millions of emails, they can't be that particular. I understand.

I am glad Daisy wrote to me. Because, when I got up this morning, I just had no idea what to do with my time. There were so many possibilities. An entire free day ahead of me. How does one choose between playing frisbee with a pack of mandrills and sewing extra fingers on gloves and testing parachutes off the kitchen table? People are so busy these days. No one can get everything done. But, Daisy got straight to the point. I now realize that yes, buying watches does take precedence over all these trifling things on which I would have wasted my time.

Later today, when I join the mandrills in that frisbee game, I will definitely heed Alison Elliot's subject line: "deplete extra primate forgetting coors." Any extra mandrills not bringing a can of coors will indeed be destroyed. I mean, Alison is right. Every Sunday some mandrill who hasn't signed the frisbee list just shows up and expects it can join in. It was getting ridiculous. The field was full of mandrills and all of them were expecting me to bring the beer. I am sick of being a doormat.

Tad Byrd also kindly divulged the secret of successful people everywhere. He wrote: "Look and feel super in 2004 offend." This advice couldn't have come at a better time. I was not looking super, nor was I feeling super. I had no idea how to turn my life around. So this year, I will offend. I'll tell that loser in the cubicle next to mine just what I think of his ceramic piggie collection. I'll run amok in the lunch room wearing only intertwined telephone cords. I'll upset baskets of peaches at the local farmers market and I'll make lewd comments about children's artwork in front of the child artists. Success, elude me no more!

Thank you, Daisy, Alison and Tad.

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