Sunday, February 08, 2004

His Holiness Pope John Paul II
Vatican City

Your Holiness,

I am writing to complain about negligent behaviour on the part of one of your saints, Agnes. January 21st, I was led to believe, is her day. I was also misled into thinking that, on her night, if I forsook my supper, I could expect to dream of my future husband.

Following instructions, I indeed did not eat anything after 4 PM on January 20th. Supperless to bed I retired; happy, despite my hunger.

Instead of visions of delight, women populated my dreams in the honeyed middle of the night. There was only one shadowy bloke whose face I could not see.

For someone so adamantly against homosexuality and promiscuity, I am getting mixed signals here. Is your saint suggesting I convert? Am I the victim of a botched circumcision? Or is the inclusion of the shadowy fellow a reminder that I should couple with strangers?

I simply want to stop spending so much idle time ordering hallucinogenic houseplants from gardening catalogues and more of it tending to my husband's every whim. I am looking for a man who wants his beer fetched while he enjoys a football game with his buddies. Please explain which saint provides the services to get me such a husband.

Your Holiness' most humble servant,

F. G. Maktaaq
Stepford, Connecticut

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