Thursday, February 12, 2004

There are other animals in today's pet classifieds.

Aside from a free cat, some one-year-old canaries and yet another free dog, there are some $15 fancy baby guinea pigs and 23 $10 bunnies.

I have been staring at guinea pig pictures all day. Guinea pigs communicate by sound. Each squeak and grunt means something. One guinea pig, from a cavy anthropologist point of view, would be a waste. A whole herd of guinea pigs could provide hours of research.

Animal hoarders are loathsome. If I can transform my potential guinea pig colony into some money-making scheme, there would be no animal hoarder/crazy spinster stigma. The Incas had guinea pigs working for them; guinea pigs therefore have some economic value. I am still not clear how guinea pigs can work for me. So far I thought about them herding something. I also thought they would make pack animals. Maybe saddle them with little baskets and take them on my forest herb-gathering forays. An estimated 200 guinea pigs might provide enough power to pull me in a carriage. I could eliminate "car" from my monthly budget.

The 23 bunnies would cost me an initial $230.

It is even harder to come up with a business venture involving rabbits. I am specifically looking for something that does not involve them floating in a stew or being flayed for some rich broad's coat.

With Easter soon upon us, I could walk around the city with a basket and charge people to pet the rabbits.

This is not such a far-fetched idea. Gypsies in Romania parade their lambs and charge 10,000 lei for a pet. Last year, one of my radio fans gave me a newborn lamb. I was about to break the Gypsy lamb-petting monopoly when my hotel managers expressed an interest in lamb chops.

What about staged rabbit wrestling matches? Or harnessing rabbits to some windmill-type apparatus to generate electricity? Or starting my own portable petting zoo for children's parties?

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