Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Various encounters with the law:

Age 14: Chalk + Chinese poetry + sidewalk = mistaken for the Chinese mafia.

Results: The head of the City of Burnaby Police Department Anti-Gang Section leaped out of his chair at breakfast after a phonecall. His son was on the witness protection program. A crowd gathers. My mother phones me. I apologise for writing Tang Dynasty poetry on the sidewalk. The case is closed.

Age 15: Bizarre letter + Dr. Livingstone = mistaken for kidnapper.

Results: The worried mother calls the police. I explain that my sister wanted me to write a joke letter to her friend. I pretended I was Dr. Livingstone and wrote about travelling through the bowels of Africa. I invited Stanley to my jungle abode. I apologise to mother and police.

Age 21: Suitcase + threats to throw me off a train + scary fat rapist = almost arrested for swearing.

Results: The police sargeant leaned in and whispered in my ear that young ladies should flirt and not cuss like a sailor. I replied most politely that I would have flirted if I wasn't called a German bitch.

Age 25: Taxi + crazy rapist Taiwanese kidnapper + tropical gorge = mistaken for crazy rapist Taiwanese kidnapper.

Results: A thorough inspection of my passport. A thorough inspection of my face. A thorough realization that I am a stereotypical Caucasian supper.

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