Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Black Bentley, star of cooking extravaganza Skeletonizing Cows in 30 Seconds, joins us today for an exciting visit to the world of toast. On today's menu we have poison toast from the Black Lagoon, a dainty dish of subtlety and the crowning glory of Amazonian cuisine.

Maktaaq: Before poison toast from the Black Lagoon became a household name in North American kitchens, they were a staple of piranha diets. Were you ever concerned about the fat content?

Black Bentley: Not until deceased German artists started showing up in our waters. Before that, all we had to worry about were low calorie tidal wave surfers, who were also, thoughtfully, less chewy.

Maktaaq: Let's talk about seagulls. Research shows that they have as much passion for poison toast as shoals of your brethren.

Black Bentley: Indeed. Why, just a few months ago, a seagull* plucked Blue Barnaby - my beloved stepson - from our calm waters and cruelly deposited on the deck of a boat. The impact killed him immediately. Autopsy reports on Blue Barnaby revealed that he consumed a helping of the toast half an hour before his kidnapping. Homicide detectives suspect that the seagull was after the toast, not my stepson.

Maktaaq: Poor lad. And now, what we're all here for today: poison toast from the Black Lagoon!

Black Bentley: It's very easy, Maktaaq. In a bowl mix together 2/3 cup of oily sponge bath water and hoof paste (4 cloven hooves, minced and mashed to a paste with a pinch of ants). Cut some day-old washed-up starfish into 1/4-inch thick slices, brush both sides lightly with the oily bath water mixture, and bake the slices in one layer on baking sheets in a preheated 250?F oven for 30 minutes. Turn the slices, sprinkle them with banana flakes, and bake them for 30 minutes more, or until they are pale golden and crisp. Makes about 48 toasts.

Maktaaq: It's that easy?

Black Bentley: Yes! And for something really decadent, you can try the toast with carmellized parrots.

Maktaaq: How perfectly debauched! I shall try it. Time's almost up tonight. Let's give a warm hand to Black Bentley!

Black Bentley: Thank you very much! It was a pleasure being here.


*Later identified as Mr. Ezekias Grenoble, Esq., of 7-8 Leigh Street, London.

(Muchas gracias, Underwater Times.)

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