Thursday, April 08, 2004

It's been a long, hard day at the lightbulb factory. My Hamlet manuscript continues to stall at Act 2, Scene 29.

At this afternoon's team meeting, the professor showed the pie chart with monkey productivity levels. My pie sliver was smaller than all the slices of the rest of the infinite number of monkeys working here.

No one has said anything about demotion. The other monkeys did edge away from me during remainder of the PowerPoint presentation.

We also had a tour of the factory's research and development department. My spirits brightened - the inventions were so neat!

I am not really supposed to spill company secrets...but the internet is an anonymous place so no one will know...the professor has genetically engineered toadstools to grow light fixtures. The incandescent lightbulb will never be the same again! Imagine, you are walking through the woods, it gets dark, you forgot to bring a flashlight, you are facing certain hypothermia. Then, a beacon of light, shining at your ankles - the light of the Holy Father guiding you to a ring of glowing mushrooms! Their heat preserves you until morning and saves your life.

Another invention in the works is the lightbulb spatula. Who hasn't had this problem? You are making pancakes, you peel up the pancake to see if it is done, the blackness of the pan reflects onto the pancake bottom, you think it's burnt and flip it into the rubbish bin, only to see that it was not blackened at all. You've wasted a perfectly good pancake. The lightbulb spatula spares pancake waste: now you can accurately determine the colour of the pancake bottom without a flashlight.

The best development was the illumination of the flying poison arrow piranha. Ever since flying-fish-poison-arrow-frog-piranha hybrids entered the market, who hasn't been poisoned and had their limbs skeletonized? With the flying arrow piranha's illumination, now we can fend off attacks before they happen. No more fumbling with your car keys as a school of piranhas surround you - you will already have seen them hiding in the bushes, remaining in the safety of the phonebooth instead of venturing out.

Of course, if an unscrupulous rival lightbulb factory learns of our factory's advances in living organism lighting, they might thwart our plans by transplanting machine guns into the flying poison arrow piranha.

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