Monday, May 10, 2004

Things broken during my mother's visit:

1. One black velvet jacket with gold trim. Disregarded Dry Clean Only tag means I will now cut the jacket into squares, stretch them onto a frame, and paint pictures of the Old Elvis on them.

2. One brand new mug with a yellow daisy. The mug with the blue daisy survived. You know, the depressing mug lived while the happy mug died. I'm sure the blue mug wishes it had been the one that shattered into the sink.

3. One bathroom lightbulb. She must have used that bathroom during her visit.

Things that have disappeared during my mother's visit:

1. Okinawan purse. Replaced with a pink & black purse following a torrent of tears and arguments.

2. Sister's credit card. Technically the responsibility lies with me; I wanted to find a good hiding place for it just in case some drug fiend broke into my house instead of the grow-ops in the neighbourhood.

3. My Taiwanese university transcripts. Found them in the garbage. She says she couldn't read the Chinese and assumed it was unimportant.

4. My third world travel vaccines. Now I have to go through the pleasure of yellow fever vaccines all over again.

There are many other things I could add to this list. But I can't find them.

Things I wish materialised during my mother's visit:

1. Poodles in galoshes. They fight fires. Sometimes they make breakfast. If their fake eyelashes fall off in the pool, they don't care.

2. A disembodied voice muttering lines from the annotated edition of Treasure Island. Preferably with the accent of a dog attempting to be Scottish.

3. A csar. Or perhaps a csar wannabe: pimping coarse Russian peasant types, like the intact Rasputin, assures anyone a position among the upper echelons of society. No more genteel poverty.

4. Two or three widgets that turn one's ears into helicopters.



Coming soon?

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