My Little Phony 

Monday, June 07, 2004

This couldn't have come at a better time:

my little pony
You're My Little Pony!! Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks. Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Via Fruit Cocktail - do you know how hard it is not to write Fruit Basket, the Japanese fruity musical chairs game?)

There was a My Little Pony at the 21st Century Antiques Fair. A blue one, one whose name I should have known.

JJ swore that matter held memories for people. People didn't have their memories tucked into some cranial crease; to remember something one could hold that thing in which the memory resides. I picked up the My Little Pony, strained my brain for some recollection of that slab o' plastic's name.

The vendor asked me what kind of My Little Pony fan am I if I can't even remember my former toy's name. Embarrassed, I put down the My Little Pony, and exclaimed that I once owned a Strawberry Shortcake (pointing to her but not to her companion, a denizen of Shortcake's saccharine empire). The vendor wouldn't let me off so easily.

"There's a My Little Pony the Movie poster up for sale on Ebay," he said. I didn't want to tell him I thought the movie sucked. Eleven-year-old me thought I could have done a better job of the script.

"No one's bid on the poster yet," continued the vendor.

No wonder, the movie featured male My Little Ponies who had fake Clydesdale hooves.

"The bidding closes tomorrow," he said.

Too bad. I don't know Ebay and I don't plan on knowing Ebay. I fart on Ebay.

"You should buy the poster. Then you can be a self-respecting My Little Pony fan."

That hurt.

I was My Little Pony's greatest fan. Sure I never had the whole collection, but I made dioramas with My Little Ponies. Changed them once a month. Designed my own My Little Ponies. My grade four teacher, Ms. Symko, put me in the corner for drawing My Little Ponies during Bible art class (this was in 1985, at the Catholic school).

When I was 16, I gave all my My Little Ponies to my sister. A teenager doesn't need toys. Especially not uncool toys. Once the My Little Ponies were in my sister's possession, she sold them all for $25 at a garage sale. My near-mint condition Ponies!

The guy who took my My Little Ponies was skinny and had a moustache. A hockey fan if I ever saw one. Claimed they were for his daughter whom he claimed was the little girl standing right beside him. Like most hockey fans, he probably has a boa constrictor at home and fed the My Little Ponies to the boa.

Out of all the foolhardy mistakes in my life, this one elicited true regret. Other errors had a purpose. I learned from them. The My Little Pony mistake will haunt me forever.

Years of collecting gone, including a severe beating for that sweet white pegasus with the fluorescent yellow hair - Surprise was her name - the months of collecting pennies off the street until I had eight dollars in pennies, eight hundred pennies that went towards purchasing my dream toy, my very first purchase with my own money at nine years old, not one of those pennies given to me, all picked off the street. All that gone.

Today I am thinking to yesterday's Pony. Should I have bought it? Should I start afresh, like the Jews in Israel?

Yesterday my budget went towards one item, an assymetrical silver bumblebee brooch, today pinned to the bottom of the V on my V-necked blue velvet shirt. I made no allowances for the My Little Pony and I stayed strictly within budget.

Tonight I daydream about that Pony. Who was she?

The quiz result is a sign. I should begin anew.

A little research showed me the path. My Little Pony customization. It must be fun to take apart the Ponies and recreate them in a new image. The Earth would groan under the weight of new Ponies like: Twizzelina - blood-red with silver! Honky-Tonky Pony - silver! The Maoist Red Guard Pony - blood-red! The Plotting Empress Pony! A Pony with Praying Mantises on her shanks! And what would the Black Pony be if not the French Revolution Pony! Oooh, blood drops!

Dava, a Pony Peddler, has a method for removing Pony heads: "You can loosen the glue by holding the stubborn equine’s head in boiling water for a few seconds. Then, grasp her head with a cloth (careful, she’s hot!) and pull in different angles. Her head should pop right off."

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