Advice from the Lucky Leprechaun 

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Lucky Leprechaun and I were chatting via email about pets. Namely, how to use pets to get a mate. You see, in these parts, humanity is in short supply, after that nuclear holocaust and all. So it's up to me to resupply the population. Me and Adam Beach and Eric Schweig and whoever that other nice-looking bloke was. Right. Joaquin Phoenix. Even you, Kyan Douglas; you'll have to pitch in.

There are many ways to entice such lovely specimens. Most people would ply them with alcohol and, in true Hollywood fashion, then present them with a bill for services rendered. Nothing says foreplay like a tussle over the price of a frolic in a moving car.

Other people revert to cavepeople ways. The old punch-and-drag-by-the-hair move. Still others pretend to be asleep or even dead. Passing Prince Charmings always fall for that one.

Then there is the method Lucky Leprechaun - who lives up to that name - suggested. It involves tying up some willing animal then dragging it around a park populated with the target sex in hopes that the target sex will follow the carcass around in hopes of a meal.

Lucky Leprechaun: Think about a dog. I had guys coming up to me to pet my dog.

Maktaaq: I would like a dog, but it might be too much right now. I could also put a rabbit on a leash.

Lucky Leprechaun: Sorry, a rabbit on a leash would be nice but I think it would scare the guys off.

Maktaaq: Ok, no rabbits on leashes. People have no sense of humour.

Lucky Leprechaun: That is very true! Why is that? Seems like they think "Oh shit, crazy broad. Run away." They are such shallow beasts.

The best way to meet someone is to hang out with them day in and day out. You start to notice all sorts of loveable things about them. Today, for example, I spent a few minutes secretly deconstructing his eyebrows.

So I met someone nice. But he's unattainable. And I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. At this point, it's nice to mull over tomorrow's possible outcomes. It's like floating lazily down a slumbrous Nile, looking at riverside temples in the blazing sun.

What have you got to say about that, Lucky Leprechaun?

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