Sunday, August 01, 2004

Name: Anişoara Mesocricetus

Date of Death: Saturday July 31, 2004

Time of Death: 3:05 PM

Observations: Left side of subject had been found paralyzed on night of July 30. On day of death, hemorrhaging decreased and the subject's anus dilated to ten times its size and half-excreted the faeces. A few minutes prior to death, the subject sighed deeply at ten second intervals. One minute prior to death, subject began trembling violently. At death, the subject was extremely flexible, with the consistency of melted ice cream. Two hours after death, rigor mortis set in.

Funerary Arrangements: Following funerary customs ranging from Neolithic practices to Han Dynasty rites described in a forensic anthropology reader, Anişoara was embalmed in the following fashion.

Photograph of Anişoara two hours after death:

Note celery pillow and tissue bedding. The paws on the left (paralyzed) side of the body are rigid with rigor mortis.

Aerial Photograph of Anişoara two hours after death:

In accordance with Romanian superstition, her open eyes were closed after death to "prevent the dead from taking another soul with them."

Anişoara on funeral shroud (black velvet, fuzzy side on the inside):

Anişoara clutching yellow flowers:

Many cultures combine funerary and wedding practices when the subject is a female virgin. Anişoara, as a female hamster who never experienced sexual intercourse (no occurence of male hamsters in her location), is here given a nosegay that symbolizes her post-mortem status as a bride.

Duplicating Neanderthal rituals, the corpse of Anişoara is encircled by flower sacrifices:

Anişoara is dusted with a thick layer of cayenne pepper:

This practice echoes Chinese Han Dynasty (202 BCE–220 CE) as well as Neolithic and Siberian practices of dressing the body with red ochre. Owing to the lack of red ochre availability, Anişoara's undertaker improvised with a package of cayenne pepper. Yet the usage of cayenne pepper, an expensive spice, is similarly sumptuous.

Close-up image of Anişoara coated with cayenne pepper:

Last view inside coffin:

Note coffin is constructed out of exquisite gold paper.

No photos exist of the funeral itself. The novice grave digger now appreciates the toils of grave diggers. The grave is located in the immediate area next to a rose bush, facing south, and is about six inches deep, with the top of the coffin about four inches below the surface. The appearance of ants in the grave occurred immediately before the coffin was placed inside.

The two funeral attendees spoke a few quiet words to each other on the brevity of life. N.L. Sister commended Anişoara for her abundance of personality.

A rose, dismembered from the rose bush during the grave digging, became the first on-grave offering.

Meanwhile, there is some speculation that Vancouver's dry summer and the overwhelming amount of cayenne pepper used in the embalming process lead the experts to believe that Anişoara's remains will be mummified.

No will exists as the hamster in question was illiterate and did not employ a lawyer. She has left behind one (1) cage, one (1) hamster ball, two (2) plastic houses, two (2) hamster ladders (one short, one long), one (1) brown food trough, one (1) round yellow food container, three years worth of cedar shavings, an unspecified quantity of corn cob bedding, one (1) chewed-up branch, one (1) half-eaten package sunflower seeds, one-third package gourmet seeds, and one (1) water bottle. The above items will be redistributed among her closest living relatives, one F.G. Maktaaq and one N.L. Sister. The relations have expressed interest in donating Anişoara's belongings to any future hamster boarders.


Attributed Hauntings:

Anişoara's complete lack of hostility while alive and her natural death exempt her from blame in the following three disturbing incidents. First, when the author put down the toilet seat, the lid fell down, resulting in a yelp. Second, the author tripped over a well-disguised electric cord. Third, the author suffered a stabbing. These incidents are obviously the doings of a malevolent cat demon.

Anişoara did manifest her benevolence through the appearance of a silver star sequin. Found in the author's dainty sandal, at foot level (consider Anişoara's height), the author insists that Anişoara placed it there. No other explanation suffices, as the author has never encountered star-shaped sequins of any colour. The star symbolizes something about Anişoara's new condition and the message appears to be wholly wholesome.

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