Bwa Ha Ha! 

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Have you ever had one of those days when you just couldn't wait to shout out Fools! I'll destroy them all!?

Today wasn't that sort of day.

I do, however, often silently mumble that phrase to myself when I am in a queue or walking behind a person with snail-derived DNA.* It's when I am waiting that I entertain mad scientist fantasies. If high school calculus didn't perplex me so, I would have been well on my way to a career in the [mad] sciences.

Snarling ten-foot hamsters with razor-sharp teeth and a taste for human flesh!

Canaries infused with piranha genes and bred for the temperament of a pit bull!

Great white shark heads surgically transplanted on bunny rabbit bodies and surreptitiously deposited in the local petting zoo!

Eight-legged cobra chinchillas that spit out cyanide!

Mr. Dubois, my grade twelve math teacher, put an end to all my hopes. He, the nerd who could play Bill Gates in a biopic, never came by to help me while I waved my hand back and forth.

Victoria Loria got all his attention. He just liked her because her names rhymed.

My dreams would have been realized if I was Peter Pumpkineater. Or Humpty-Dumpty. Or Fuzzy Wuzzy. Or Care Bear.

I ended up in university with majors in Art History and Chinese. No one has ever destroyed the world with that background. I am the laughing stock of the mad scientist community.

I do have a plan. Tarantula fangs grafted on bucolic landscapes! Whippy poison-drenched tentacles attached to the Venus de Milo! Mammoth ten-ton porcupine-spined Chinese dictionaries that leap off shelves onto unsuspecting library patrons! A combination of my two majors: Renaissance statuary that ejects sharpened chopsticks at 160 miles an hour!



Fools, I shall destroy you all.

*Driving emboldens my drunken violent sailor persona.

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