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Wednesday, October 20, 2004
I think my husband is having an affair. He returns from work late every night and, when I ask how his day was, he snaps at me that it was fine and I shouldn't be so nosy. I also found a receipt for flowers in his pant pocket when I doing the laundry. I haven't received flowers from him since our third anniversary, four years ago. He also goes on weekend trips for the company, he says. He works for a small hat manufacturing company. I may be a housewife married straight out of high school but I know factory floor workers don't get all-expenses paid business trips.
What should I do?
Dear Unhappy Housewife,
Any guinea pig infestation can be treated in one of three ways:
1. Hiring an Andean shepherd to draw them out of their lairs and to an undisclosed location.
2. Impaling effigies of the guinea pigs with knives.
3. Trapping them with venus flytraps.
Unfortunately, the average Andean shepherd's salary shot through the roof after the presidential guinea pig débâcle, making them impractical for the middle class masses.
Also unfortunately, effigies of each guinea pig must be made to dispatch the entire population. Overlooking even one guinea pig leads to renewed infestations. Just one guinea pig can self-germinate up to 49,000 other guinea pigs in three weeks. Furthermore the succeeding guinea pigs will have mutated a resistance to voodoo magic.
Most guinea pig extermination success stories attribute their effectiveness to the venus flytrap. Enforce at least three days of fasting upon your carnivorous flora, then surround the site of the infestation with the plants. This humane method does not kill the guinea pigs; the venus flytrap will only have begun salivating if you check on your traps within 24 hours, leaving the guinea pig soggy and perhaps temporarily paralyzed. Any plant with a trapped guinea pig should be pried open, the guinea pig inserted into a stamped envelope (see your post office for guinea pig mailing rates) and sent back to Peru. All guinea pigs should be returned to Av. Alfonso Ugarte 650 Lima - Perú.
Yours most truly,
(Inspired by JMB)
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