Oooo, Starscream! 

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Other pre-teens liked Corey Haim. Sure, I had the Corey Haim posters.

Even if Corey Haim suddenly appeared in the bathtub with ten-year-old me, all I could fantasize was that he would - Good God! I am wrong. I was thirteen at the height of my Corey Haim craze - ten or thirteen, Corey Haim would not have been as compliant as I'd hoped.

Corey Haim was a movie star. Unattainable. He dated other movie stars.

I had to be realistic in my lovin'.

I needed someone my imagination could conjure up in my elementary school fantasies.

So I turned to someone I could seduce in my fantasies. (I am certain I was ten when this happened. Well, ok, eleven. Not twelve.)

But he had to have a bad boy streak. In my seduction fantasies he seduced me. I was a Catholic schoolgirl, after all.

He was Starscream.

Starscream was too wily even for the mean Decepticons. He turned even on the boss of the Decepticons, that old fogey Megatron.

Plus, he was cute*.

I did what all pre-teens do when they have a crush.

I wrote stories about Starscream.

At the height of my Starscream infatuation, I typed up lots of stories about the Transformers, shyly focusing the spotlight on Starscream. My best friend at the time read my stories. I think she had the hots for Soundwave or even that oh-too paternal Optimus Prime. Optimus Prime, he reminded me of the father in the Little House on the Prairie show.

Because my friend read my stories, I couldn't come out and admit that I had a crush for Starscream. Things are just not done that way in elementary school.

The one indicative story is the one where Starscream was humiliated. Because Catholic schoolgirls like to punish their men. In this story, Starscream, after another rival spat with Megatron, goes to sleep with vultures in a tree. The next morning, the vultures discover he's peed the bed. The vultures tattle on him to the other Decepticons. The Decepticons laugh so hard, they don't mind sharing the joke with their enemies, the Autobots. The story ends with all the Transformers laughing at a presumably nude Starscream.

After all these years, which of my teen men do I still fancy?

Consider these quotes about Starscream:

"He is ruthless, cold-blooded and cruel." (Yes!)

"But he has a vain side that clearly distinguishes him [from Megatron]. He considers himself the most sophisticated and handsome of the Decepticons. He exudes a high-class, urbane air that provides a certain irony to his murderous tendencies." (Yum! Yum!)

"He can shoot cluster bombs a distance of 40 miles, each of which can level an area 10,000 feet square." (You go, baby!)

"His nose-dives often overload his gyro-circuitry leaving him disoriented briefly." (Oooo!)

"But, overall, he is a very tough nut to crack." (Oooo, Starscream!)

*The boots and the helmet stay put.

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