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Hamster-Sucking Portals to the Netherworld 


Monday, January 24, 2005

Crenguţă buzzed about my ankles around cooking time*. I picked up the hamster ball and put her in the living room. She returned to my ankles.

"Darling, if the phone rings and I answer it and I engage in a very long conversation and the dumpling water boils over the edge of the stove, you, my sweet little rodent, shall be burned to a fraction of your former self," I explained to the hapless hamster. I then picked her up again and deposited her beyond the kitchen and the living room and into the hallway.

Then I made a phonecall.

When dinner was ready, I concluded the phonecall and sat down in front of the television with my home-cooked feast. The place was very quiet. No hamster noises, no hamster ball banging against the furniture. I got up from the [coffee] table and began calling out Crenguţă's name.

Crenguţă!

Crenguţă!

Crenguţă!

Crenguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuţă!

The hamster made no reply.

I went from room to room. No hamster anywhere. I turned on the lights and checked again. I shut off the heating to avert another hamster heating vent disaster. I crawled on my knees and looked under all the tables and into the nooks and crannies. I went down the stairs, to see if the hamster circumvented her barrier and took a tumble. At the foot of the stairs, no hamster, no hamster ball. I stood very quietly in all the rooms listening for the telltale sign of a hamster breathing. Nothing.

Just in case, I repeated everything.

I went from room to room. No hamster anywhere. I turned on the lights and checked again. I shut off the heating to avert another hamster heating vent disaster. I crawled on my knees and looked under all the tables and into the nooks and crannies. I went down the stairs, to see if the hamster circumvented her barrier and took a tumble. At the foot of the stairs, no hamster, no hamster ball. I stood very quietly in all the rooms listening for the telltale sign of a hamster breathing. Nothing.

She'll turn up, I thought as I sat down to my bok- and gai choy.

After dinner, I went on another search and rescue mission. A fourth expedition again yielded no discoveries.

Crenguţă and her hamster ball were gone. They plum disappeared off the face of the planet. I looked into the kitchen sink to make sure I didn't accidentally mistake the spherical hamster travel contraption for an errant dish.

Mysteries like this prove one thing.

There are ghosts in other planes and their reality intersects with ours. Ghosts, as everybody knows, are mischievious. They take things to their side and return those things when it's convenient for them, if ever. That's why socks return solo or car keys reappear where you certainly did not put them down. It's ghosts. Or fairies. Not the nice fairies Disney churns out, but the mean nasty fairies of old.

So my hamster went to the other side. That's why she wouldn't leave my ankles. She knew they were after her. I suddenly regretted taking her out of the room. I also shuddered to think that there were invisible ghosts watching my every move.

I sat down in front of the computer to do some work. Out of the corner of my eye, the hamster ball appears. Right at the foot of the stairs, where surely I would have tripped on it had it been there moments ago.

Like the despondent mom in Poltergeist, I knew my hamster had to be somewhere near. There was no dousing in ghost slime or ending up in a pool-ful of skeletons; to find a recently missing hamster, one must stand very still in the middle of the room and the hamster will come to you**.

Sure enough, Crenguţă herself then appeared in a corner. The ghosts returned her to our side.

Or else, the aliens who abducted her completed their anal probes.

*Yes, I am realizing my New Year's Resolutions; I learned how to cook bok choy and gai choy.

**Provided you have no history of having excessively prodded the hamster.

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