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Updated New Year's Resolution 


Tuesday, January 18, 2005



In the year 2005 I resolve to:
Become a mail-order bride.



Get your resolution here.



Thank you oracle of the internet. I shall obey.

Again, the question is where.

I can't stay here and become a mail-order bride. Sure, I could save on postage, but I have my eyes on greener pastures. That we've decided.

Inexplicably, two acquaintances offered, out of nowhere, their takes on cities with good-looking populations.

First, the kinesiologist blurted out this week that the girls in Indianapolis were very unattractive. I don't believe I have any readers from Indianapolis because I would be very interested in examining the kinesiologist's statement. The kinesiologist never did bring up whether or not the men were good-looking.

Has anyone been to Indianapolis? How about Boston? Because Boston, a colleague insisted, is full of hot toddies, and has bars full of these men for every one woman. To illustrate her point, she recounted the story of her female friend who had five dates during her four days in Boston. My bags are packed.

Just to be safe, I looked up famous Bostonians.

The augury was not favourable. Matt "Pasty Ass" Damon, Ben "Can't Handle Latina Ass" Affleck, and Steve "Floppy Mouth" Tyler are Bostonians. My taste runs more into darker types with a penchant for long-winded Victorian novels and mild cross-dressing. Steve Tyler would deplete my supply of lipstick in one night.

So I need to take my wares elsewhere.

The story doesn't end here. The heroine needs to undergo further trials before she can find true love.

This is what makes a great story: we're through with the girl meets boy, girl loses boy part. Now we're waiting for the climax. We're on tenterhooks. Dying to know what's going to happen next.

It wouldn't be much of a story if girl lived happily ever after. Besides modern science proved fairy tales wrong - making some wise guy always scream halfway through that "happily ever after" is an anachronism. It would make you wonder if the writers have done their research or if they made up the story. Like seeing a desk chair in rococco when the period is clearly baroque.

So it couldn't have ended happily. It would have happened too soon. Feature movies need to clock over an hour and short stories don't get you anywhere. There is no market for independent crap that thinks outside the box. Toss in a few more scenes to prolong the experience. Who cares about editing when the budget to feed an entire third world slum city can be put to better use choreographing explosions?

Boston can't be the answer. Too easy.

A tedious Gollum-type sidekick might provide a few cheap laughs and the necessary element of conflict. Everybody loves it when two mismatched characters argue for most of the show, then learn a valuable lesson about friendship. Why don't more people learn from movies and simplify their lives? Sure, polar opposites can be the best of pals.

This story has got it all. A period piece and a tearjerker.

Do we smell an Oscar contender?

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