The Zodiac Made Me Do It 

Sunday, February 06, 2005

You know when you do something naughty one day and you spend the rest of afternoon obsessing how you are evil and your path of destruction will lead you straight to hell?

Then you know how you happen to glance at your horoscope for that day after hours of obsessing and the horoscope not only predicted your actions but also lauded them?

Today was such a day.

You walked into a yarn store.

I'll just say 'hi' to my friend, you thought. She had just left five minutes earlier, so you might as well examine her workplace. It'll give me something to talk about next time I see her.

Then you found a pattern you hadn't seen before. Not one of those run-of-the-mill sweaters or the prosaic *yawn* scarf. Not even a quirky hat.

You found a pattern for a knit corset.

A weird-looking corset. Nobody has one of those. I could be the first and therefore the coolest.

Plus, it involves ribbon.

Over a t-shirt and - poof! - you are a princess.

But you stopped yourself. You would not spend $30 on a corset pattern.

You should have just walked out of the store now.

Then the yarn clerk came over. She asked if she could help you.

"No, just browsing" - you should have stopped there - "Maybe you can help me."

You explained that you want one pair of knitting needles. That should do.

Then she frowned. "One pair is expensive. Why not buy the whole kit? It slices, it dices, it even turns carrots into roses and carves boulders into filigree! With guaranteed two-year workmanship, a one-year limited warranty, and 24-hour-half-hour round-the-clock troubleshooting through a free charge-by-the-minute toll number, plus a set of AA batteries. Buy now and we'll throw in this free $49.95 inflatable cutting board!"

Confused, you bought the turbo-engined solar-powered knitting needles and started a weird neck warmer with globule buttons.

You later walked aimlessly, the thought that you traded in the deed to your house gnawing like a muskrat boring a hole through flan.

A scrap of paper wafted on the breeze and landed at your feet. A word caught your eye.


Then you leaned down to read more.

Sunday February 7, 2005:

You need to stand out from the crowd. But how? You need a custom-made something. Splurge!

Thank you, Mr. Horoscope, for making my excessive spending part of the greater cosmic plan.

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