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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Here I go. It isn't easy for me to write about personal things anymore. I know so many of you, albeit online, I think you'll all run screaming from this blog.
So here's the deal. If someone says he thinks you're fat, you say "so long, buster!" If someone says you should get plastic surgery to whittle down your jawbones to more feminine proportions, again you give them a one way ticket out of your life. If someone says that he never, in the six years together, found you physically attractive, you drive into the sunset with a roadmap to Mexico. If that person called you selfish for wanting to live close to your parents and not his, alarms would be clanging in your head.
If someone who is supposed to be the calm one, while you were the bad-tempered one (who never once lost her legendary temper in the six years you were together and who never once allowed herself to say anything that might be regretted later), if that supposedly calm person suddenly freaked out for your getting upset at being called fat yet again by his father, and he physically pushed you, you would read that as the start of domestic violence and leave before you got a black eye and lost a few teeth. Right?!
That's what you're supposed to do, right?!! That's what girls are taught, to say "no" and be tough bitches who meet some other bloke the very next day. Did I or did I not learn my lessons in feminism?
Now if that person were to do cute things for you, like vacuum because you keep sneezing during that heinous chore, you should overlook everything else, right?
Because I related that one little story to someone else and she said I was crazy to leave him.
I went to bed and thought and thought and cried some more. I traded in a perfectly good relationship for lots of crappy relationships with people I don't even find attractive. I gave up on my one and only chance for love to be some ridiculous notion of "not abused."
Sex and the City has got to be the worst show on tv. There's that stupid Charlotte, the one who is marriage-obsessed, the one who I hate and wonder why she was ever part of the show since in real life her friends wouldn't put up with her.
Then there is that old woman in one episode, the episode that is always on when I happen to walk by a tv set. It's the episode when the only woman put lithium on her ice cream. She says that she left someone back in the eighties thinking that she could meet someone better. "Never did," she says, as if to me.
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