Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend 

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I will be flattened by a falling piano

How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test

(Via Mugwhump)

This was one of those quizzes where the results for all possible answers appear once you get your own result. I really wanted the Kodiak bear bestiality death or the bobbing for apple drowning or the giant duck death or the frozen urine rod impalement. I went back and forth, changing my answers, then checking to see if I would get what I wanted. Nope, always the piano flattening.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about death. Not very imaginatively. I gave up on hanging a few months ago. In a weird quirk of survival conspiring against me, I just couldn't figure out nooses.

I dabbled in the idea of cyanide pills; if it's good enough for Latin American guerillas and Hitler, it's good enough for me. Or cassava roots: they have cyanide too. Or apricot pits. Even apple seeds. Yet cyanide metes out death in 15 minutes. Painfully. The combination barbiturates, enough swigs of vodka and plastic bag over the head is still the best way.

As I watched again my favourite video of decomposition, I remembered that I am too repulsed by natural body functions to actually die.

My most recent will swells at the part where I describe what happens to the corpse. Nothing involving burial because worms give me the creeps, and dark, confined spaces leave me cramped and fidgety. Even cremation is damnable these days: your ashes are prohibited by law from tumbling out of an airplane and dusting the landscape. Ashes can be buried in memorial gardens - buried! worms again! with direct contact!

Skeletons are cool with me. I wouldn't mind being a skeleton. Unfortunately this fate involves maggots, thereby annulling the procedure. So much for my plans of me as a skeleton terrifiying little children by playing pianos in restaurants.

Becoming a diamond is not that expensive for a well-to-do corpse. My mother can wear me and, once that is no longer possible, my will requests that the me-diamond be placed in a certain piazza for anyone to take.

(The other parts of my will are simple numeric formulas: 50-20-20-10, for those of you getting a piece of the pie.)

I am going to throw all caution to the wind and try my luck with the Kodiak bears. Alaska, here I come, lock up your ursine daughters!

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