Mad Scientist Neighbour Warfare 

Monday, August 22, 2005

You know you try to be a nice neighbour and then people walk all over you as if you had a synthetic gazelle stapled to your face.

I went over to Doctor Reisenbichler's house this afternoon to borrow a cup of gerbils for an experiment.

Now most mad scientists are swell. Yeah sure, a cup of gerbils and here's a handful of piranhas just in case.

Not Doctor Reisenbichler.

Just because he put the vampire into the vampire squid and gave it Meg Ryan's eyes, doesn't give him a license to be a jerk.

So Doctor Reisenbichler opens the door and screams, "What do you want?"

"Just wondered if you could lend me a cup of gerbils," I said amiably.

"Do I look like I'm made out of gerbils? Get out of here, freeloader."

I know what you're thinking. I am a serial hydrobromic acid borrower and I never return the favour.

The truth is, last year, before Doctor Reisenbichler got fanous with his vampire squid, when he was just a regular well-adjusted not-quite-mad scientist who liked one-headed puppies that didn't spit venom and Far Side comics, I gave him him three cups full of gerbils. I also lent him my favourite mass murderer brain, the one I cloned for that batch of flame-breathing rottweilers.

"Come on, Doctor Reisenbichler, be reasonable. It's just a measly cup of gerbils. It's not like you're entertaining some Buddhist movie star past his prime or anything. Besides, you owe me. You never returned my brain."

Doctor Reisenbichler lost it.

"Fool! I will destroy you!"

Then he throws a flotilla of Chiropsalmus quadrumanus at me.

I hate it when I get highly dermatonecrotic components in my eyes. To make matters worse, he pees on me.

"Fool! Everybody knows that urine causes massive discharges of box jellyfish nematocysts!" I screamed in my pain.

He slams the door on me (scratching my finger).

Eventually I crawled my way home through the briars that separate our properties.

No gerbil siamese triplets tonight. Guess the barbed wire piglets will have to do.

UPDATE: The cute Bluewyvern guessed where the mad scientists were going. Let's immortalize her words before Haloscan Comments deletes them:
Mad scientists are always being typecast, being forced to appear in the same kinds of things. I think this could be easily be developed into the pilot for a mad-scientist Seinfeld-type sitcom. Future episodes could involve being kept awake all night long by the barking of Reisenbichler's genetically modified hellhounds; your cute new date turns out to be his reanimated corpse creature; Reisenbichler hires your underappreciated henchman away from you at double his pay and suddenly you must muddle your way through without his help; parts for your doomsday device are accidentally shipped to the fortress next door; to your embarrassment, you discover that you have both planned to take over the world on the same evening.

You can call it Mad Neighbors, and it will be a hit.
Hurrah for Bluewyvern!

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