Spider Transients 

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

A German woman destroyed her house to get rid of her spiders.

The woman first tried to kill them with hairspray.

Then, seeing that the hairspray had no effect, she tried to set the spiders on fire.

"It was a series of unfortunate events which led to the damage," said a police spokesman. "The spiders are gone though -- that problem was solved."

As someone who also lives with a household of eight-legged squatters, I can relate.

This past Labour Day weekend presented me with three hideous spider encounters. One was crushed with a sock, another washed down the sink. The third, discovered in a boot about to be worn for the first time this season, ran off to get reinforcements.

Personally, I can see promise in this scenario as a revenge musical, in the same style as the Charles Bronson Deathwish movies.

Picture this: The spiders come back with some tarantula punks, piss all over my carpet, tie up the hamster with their threads and ransom the hamster for a cartload of flies.

Having no choice, I go to a horse farm to trap flies, whereupon I find a wheelbarrow loaded with rusty horseshoes. Thanks to my quickthinking, I grab hold of the wheelbarrow handles and run with it back home. I attack my own house from without, squashing the spiders in a barrage of horseshoes. Of course, I sing a rousing military hymn as I throw the horseshoes.

In the final scene I am down to the last horseshoe and facing the biggest of the tarantula punks. I throw the horseshoe and miss.

The tarantula sings its villain about-to-kill-hero speech.

The hamster, having escaped her ropes (off camera), plunges a toothpick through the tarantula's back. The tarantula writhes about, the wound obviously not lethal. A rather pathetic song-and-dance takes places.

That's when I light my cigarette and throw the match at the carpet. (Luckily there would have been an earlier scene where, in the heat of the battle, a barrel of kerosene springs a leak over the carpet.)

The hamster and I escape just in time. There's another song number at the end.

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