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Friday, July 29, 2005
In Montreal thousands of hippies assemble on Mont Royal for this drum circle called the Tam Tams. These guys with cardboard-and-duct-tape medieval weapons act out their mock battles alongside the hippies. It happens every Sunday.
One recent Sunday, a swarm of zombies emerged from the woods to attack. The medieval warriors did a double take. Then they immediately went into battle formation and fought back. Of course, it's pretty hard to kill a zombie. They just keep on reanimating.
I shoulda been there. I've been reading up on zombie-ness and preparing counter-strategies against zombie-hunters. Plus, I have an in with the legion of salsa-eating zombies (he's the zombie in the middle).
(I was in Montreal but I didn't miss the zombie attack for the reasons I initially thought. Turns out the zombies attacked a full two weeks before I arrived.)
According to Mr. Scamming the Cats, Zombiewalk 2005 takes place in Vancouver:
Usually held in Toronto, this shambling, stumbling, flailing good time will be held in Vancouver this year! Yay us! So if you have a mild obsession with Zombies (as many of my friends do), or you simply love to get rotten and yell "Braaaaiiins" at random people, then mark this one on your calendar:Luckily for those of you who don't live in Vancouver, you can live the zombie life vicariously through Zombie Eat Brains (via Bluewyvern).
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Monday, July 11, 2005
*Spoiler ahead: turn back now.*
Thanks to that new War of the Worlds movie, I have a dozen new fears to add to my personal inventory of irrational phobias.
Nobody told me that movie was actually scary. I was laughing along when suddenly, about halfway through, the aliens attacking mankind no longer had me rooting for them. They started vampirizing poor living humans and spraying their blood over the vein-plant gardens they had sown.
Now I don't mind deathrays. I aspire to as quick and relatively painless death as depicted in the first few minutes of the movie.
It's when you get stabbed in the back and you're still twitching while some tentacle thing sucks your blood that forbidden lines have been crossed.
Or when aliens stuff you in a cage with assymetrical bars, and a big red nipple periodically emits a tentacle to pull you in for a snackdown - the wait for that nipple to get hungry is unbearable. Weren't anal probes enough for them?
These sorts of deaths are all too...biological. Eating human flesh and drinking human blood - and when you watch a horror movie, the implication is that it could be your flesh and blood - is just too much.
At the part where the screamy little girl was in the basement with the creepy pedophile, I kept thinking, run, Tom, run - and take your daughter with you!.
Of course, the next scene of what was happening outside the basement was the vampire incident. Why the aliens began munching down on humans when they started off with deathrays, I never understood. It made it clear, though, that leaving the pedophile's shelter was worse.
Then there was the problem of the sky.
After the movie, the sky hadn't darkened yet. The clouds clenched together like grey sludge, kind of like the evil thunder clouds at the beginning of the movie. I drove home thinking that grandma was on my way if I was to save anyone from man-eating vampire aliens (and that her fridge always has better food than mine). I also swore to myself that I would start wearing sensible shoes. If the aliens strike, how am I supposed to run in high heels? During the whole drive home, I expected the clouds to attack at any moment.
That's four new phobias. One, aliens who drink blood; two, strange biological appendages on alien vehicles; three, weird clouds that spit out aforementioned aliens; and four, pedophiles who take advantage of alien armageddon.
Life was so much simpler when aliens did just one thing and did it well.
Why'd they have to go and get all talented at multitasking?
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Matt of Onomatopoeia says you need a zip code to pump gas into your car in the US.
In Canada we have postal codes. Our postal codes are a combination of three letters and three numbers, usually with a space dividing them down the middle. Canadian postal codes look something like this: V8N 2X3.
Zip codes are all numbers, five of them in a row with no spaces. 78854 could be a zip code, as could 52843. See? No letters.
So what's a Canadian buying gas in the US to do?
Matt, as an American defector and double agent, uncovered the solution: use 90210 as the zip code.
The effect of these Canadian saboteurs, as Matt points out, will lead to some skewed marketing discoveries in "some research firm somewhere."
"Sir, our new fuel consumer research statistics indicate that the Beverly Hills area has a remarkable saturation of residents using Canadian credit cards."Matt adds: "An irritating set of carefully-planned marketing research data-gathering techniques totally sabotaged by the intersection of a bunch of enterprising Canadians and a bad early-90s melodramatic teen prime-time drama. Life is rich."
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
From Sky News, via the Morbid Fact Du Jour:
A one-year-old boy has been bitten 30 times by a group of more than a dozen other babies at a nursery in Croatia. Frane Simic was covered in a series of deep bite wounds all over his body, including his face. He was attacked after the class nanny stepped out of the room to change another baby's nappy. Dr Sime Vuckov, head of the hospital in Rijeka which treated the boy, said: "Biting between young children is not uncommon. But I have never seen anything like this." Police have launched an inquiry into the biting frenzy but admit they are clueless as to the babies' reasons for attacking. Dr Vuckov warned that while the wounds were expected to heal, the trauma suffered by Frane may leave permanent mental scars on the boy and his parents. He said: "Our psychologist has evaluated the boy and we will continue to monitor him and provide any type of assistance so that he can overcome the trauma as soon as possible." Frane's father said he is considering suing the nanny in charge of the class.Why I am I so terribly delighted at the idea of ravenous cannibal babies? I've been in such a good mood since reading this. I will have to add this to my novel about ravenous cannibal zombie/vampire babies.
The Comtesse DeSpair, who sends out the Morbid Fact Du Jour, also added a baby joke to round off her daily email:
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a live baby?
A: Dead babies don't cry when you poke them with a pitchfork!
Bwa ha ha!
No wonder no man wants me as a bride and mother to his unborn children!
As long as I can still laugh at gross baby jokes, being a lonely old spinster isn't so bad after all. Sure beats being a stupid soccer mom who has to pretend to be shocked at a gross joke.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Dean Reisner, the screenwriter who put "Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?" and "Go ahead, make my day" into Clint Eastwood's mouth, also wrote the script for Bill and Coo.
The 1946 film's all-bird cast (along with a kitten impersonating a tiger and a guinea pig trying to pass off as a cowboy horse) won a Special Achievement Oscar in 1947 for their performance as the denizens of Chirpendale.
When the lovebirds of the title are kissing, they are actually regurgitating into each other's mouths. That's how lovebirds show affection.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
From the local paper:
Up to 7 roosters for sale, 7 weeks old. Problem? I can't tell the males from the females. If you can tell, you can buy the males for $1.00 each. Anne 555-555-5555.Rurality, do you want me to mail you one of them?
Monday, July 04, 2005
Instead of working on the cockroach article (due Wednesday!), I've been reading about arachnids. I am a thousand times less scared of arachnids than of cockroaches, so this topic is far less painful and a welcome respite from work.
The Handy Bug Answer Book by Dr. Gilbert Waldbauer provides some facts that readers of Maktaaq might find as astonishing as I did:
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Yaks, a bucket of nuts and uphill skiing - you knew I couldn't pass up this story.
Mr Dorje's advice is: "Never shake the bucket of nuts before you're tied to the yak rope."(A little too tired to write a post. July 1st was the happiest day of my life in three years - and among the happiest ever. Though I tell everyone I couldn't do it without them, I am secretly very proud of myself. I do count since I brought everyone together, right? Well, I'll post photos on me other blog as soon as I shake off this fatigue and then you can see for yourselves.)