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Monday, January 09, 2006
On top of my list of things to see in Texas was Gebo's:
Since 1959 Gebo's has been serving the needs of Texans.The Lubbock Gebo's (at 215 50th Street) provided the best return on my investment of tourism time. I came away with a four-in-one squirrel call; its accompanying instructional cassette reminded listeners that the squirrel call is actually a five-in-one. Aspiring rednecks can try out the grey or fox squirrel calls; I've already mastered the baby-squirrel-in-distress call.
My hands are also silky smooth now, thanks to Udder Balm.
Udder Balm joins Udder Butter on the teat and udder ointment market. Suitable for raw, chapped udder and teats, as well as minor cuts, abrasions and burns, I am a little reluctant to use the cream on my nipples but I figure I can experiment on other people. If they are as good there as on my hands, I may change my mind.
Now, Hoof Dressing, there's something I couldn't buy simply because it only came in the one litre container. Hell, if it was in a nice toothpaste-sized tube, it would have been mine.
"All the redneck girls use Hoof Dressing on their nails," said Matt. A passerby, of redneck extraction, glared at us.
"They do," insisted Matt. "In high school, they would show off how nice their nails became since they started using Hoof Dressing."
No wonder then, that in Texas, there are ghost stories about the Donkey Lady and La Llorana with a horse's head. Using bovine and ungulate products must have some side efeects on humans. However, I would've risked sprouting horse parts if Hoof Saver came in more sizes than just the near-litre containers.
Gebo's also had other great gift ideas. Check out the Jolly Ball:
The packaging had pictures of horses running around with Jolly Balls hanging from their teeth. It's a fun horse toy. Hours of amusement since they can't play solitaire. Plus it's the original Jolly Ball, not some cheap Asian one constructed out of spare tires in a Chinese prison.
I should have bought this weaner. Clamp it to my nose to cover my mouth and it'll help remind me that I'm supposed to be in famine-mode to get rid of the holiday jiggles.
Even though I lost half of my second favourite earrings in a museum parking lot, it was still cheaper to buy myself a new pair than to get myself some ear tags.
All I can think of is the prostitute who filled out her tax returns and told the IRS that last year she raised 5000 cocks.
The label below reads:
WILDLIFE ATTRACTANT FOR PIGS, DEER & BEARS!
Stump Likker is a "habit-forming powerful deer attractant." It contains real molasses and it's Paw'n, Knaw'n Deer Lick'n Good!
The cool thing about C'Mere Deer is that it turbo charges your hunt. It's a natural deer attractant and, according to the container, "bucks luv it." The container insists that your game camera will prove it.
If you don't believe that it stops 'em DEAD in their tracks, check out the little photo of the dudes with their dead deer. They thoughfully placed the one-quart container and the pint concentrate pack in front of their kill to prove that C'Mere Deer really works.
If you still need convincing, go to the C'Mere Deer website and ask Hank Parker! (More photos on their site prove its efficacy.)
Once you have your deer, immortalize your manly prowess and virility by mounting your kill's antlers with a DIY antler mounting kit. Manufactured by the Red Head company, the packaging includes a French translation, showing an international flair.
I dabbled briefly in the thought that I would buy my own cattle prod.
The Power-Mite Handheld Livestock Prod seemed like the one for me: Designed for close-in work. Check. Soft moisture-resistant button. Check. Great for use on wet animals. Check. Handy leather wrist thong. Check.
Goshfukkit - who knew you needed special batteries for a cattle prod? Even with the value six-pack, the Power-Mite Handheld Livestock Prod would too quickly become a useless knick-knack. I'm going back to riding crops.
Besides if all Texan men look like this Macgyver wannabe below, I'd rather not get me any Texan cowboy action. Geez, I thought they all wore butt-less chaps down there.
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