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Remaking The Shining 


Monday, January 30, 2006

I've seen parts of The Shining over the years, but the parts never accumulated to a whole. I could never say I saw the movie.

Every time The Shining is on TV, I planned to watch it in its entirety, only to be foiled as soon as the scary music started. Yep, I knew about the bloody elevator flood and the skeletons at the end. As soon as Jack Nicholson looked at the open door to room 237, however, I would flip the channel.

I never knew, for example, just what Room 237 held.

This weekend, I finally watched The Shining from beginning to end. It wasn't easy - the b-movies I usually watch were no training for this fright fest - but I finally learned just who lay waiting in room 237.

Now that I have achieved this film benchmark, I am ready to create my own remake. It's a turn-of-the-century thing, isn't it? King Kong this winter, Superman next summer. It's bound to happen.

Now my version, as soon as I secure the funding, will present the viewer with a few small twists:
  • Cast Johnny Depp as Jack Torrance. In the course of the film, he'll transform from his sweet-faced self of 21 Jump Street days to a sinister Jack Sparrow.

  • Going along with the pirate theme evoked by Depp's Jack Sparrow, Jack Torrance's famous door scene will instead feature Depp clawing through the door with a hook hand.

  • Unfortunately for little Danny, Dick Hallorann fails to come to his rescue. The old man stays firmly planted in Florida, closing his mind to any of this shining nonsense.

  • Danny, however, receives the gift of porcupinicity from the scriptwriters. This talent will come in useful when balloon animals attack him, in the scene both Kubrick and Stephen King left out of the story.

  • In another neglected scene, little Danny first utters "redrum" to his father, thereby driving him back to the bottle.

  • The Overlook Hotel, instead of being on top of an Indian burial ground, will be relocated to being on top of a tiki lounge in remote Wyoming. The motifs will be altered, distant strains of the ukulele will be what slowly drives Jack Torrance mad, a topless hula girl rises from the bathtub.

  • Shelly Duvall reprises her role as Wendy Torrance. While attempting to escape through the bathroom window, an impossible feat considering her exploitation of the hotel larder's bounty, her eyes momentarily pop out.

  • Instead of succumbing to the elements, Jack Torrance in this version runs into a proto-Minotaur in the maze. This Minotaur would have appeared earlier, when a frightened Wendy finds the Minotaur performing oral sex on a famous tv anchorman (cameo appearance not yet worked out).

  • Wendy and Danny escape in the helicopter whose shadow is evident in the righthand bottom corner of the screen at the beginning of the movie.
Not too different from the original. Just different enough to make it a classic.

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