Watching Night of the Living Dead with the Dead 

Friday, January 20, 2006

After I revived the dead, I was bushed. It's not easy creating zombies from scratch.

Yeah, sure, you get a zombie and turn it loose on a school bus full of kindergarten neophytes, it's easy enough.

But you try doing it when you don't have the initial zombie. It's like trying to pull yoghurt out of your ass without the bacterial culture to make it a done deal.

When the tried and true Haitian methods didn't work, I had to nuke those sorority sisters into rambling slack-jawed undeath.

It was past midnight after I finished. I couldn't really sleep, not with the girls moaning in the basement. I went into the living room to see what was on the tube. Popped open a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Watched a few Girls Gone Wild infomercials. Then I thought, what the hell? I have my own girls gone wild in the basement.

So I went to my lab and unchained the chicks. One of them had her leg chewed off by the others. Oh well. I picked up the leg and slung it over my shoulder - that night's stubble scratching my neck.

"C'mon, girls, let's go upstairs for some fun," I said, herding them up the stairs. Fukkit, why do zombies slobber so much. I'll vaccuum those carpets tomorrow.

Anyhow, we all settled onto the couch. I found us a movie. Some zombie movie.

We got to the part where the blonde chick runs up the stairs and finds the corpse with the chewed-off face. My girls got excited.

Now I'm gonna get me some action, I thought.

The girls just stared straight ahead, unblinking those baby blues.

At least there was still the part when the truck blows up. The girls would get into that.

Sure enough they did get wet. They were salivating at the mouth. Yeah, cooked human flesh gets them going.

I put my hand on the nearest girl's titty.

Cold as an ice cabbage.

Should have known zombie chicks were frigid.

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