Monday, May 01, 2006

My confession is this: I hate weddings. Always have.

I hate the one-time dresses, I hate the fattening tendencies of the colour white, I hate dancing alone in front of gawking half-strangers, I hate the fact that some of my good friends have yet to even call me three months after the engagement - goes to show you that the whole marriage thing is a stupid sham.

Furthermore, I hate housewives, SUV moms, soccer moms, Stepford wives and stay-at-home moms. I don't buy into the mommy myth and I think earth is overpopulated, making motherhood a crime. I hate the fact that I'll soon trade in questions about my diminishing prospects for questions about my ticking biological clock. Weddings and irresponsible fertility are linked.

My mom suggested a Catholic wedding.

No one in my family or Matt's family is Catholic.

After a few phonecalls, no one is serious about converting and - what the hell? - I hate Catholicism! Catholics and I live on a precarious truce, but make me become Catholic and I become a rabid cauldron of anti-anti-abortionist and anti-homophobe venom.

Romanian Orthodooxy, the way my parents practice it, is a secular dream of easygoing practical solutions to the age-old problems: don't steal, kill or cheat on your significant other, contraceptives and abortions are necessary and not evil. Rather in complete contrast to the misogynism of Catholicism.

My mom, in all due fairness, came up with the Catholic idea because Catholics seem more urbane in Romania. I am guessing that, since most Hungarian-Romanians practice Catholicism and since most Hungarian-Romanians are more prosperous than the average Romanian, that Catholics seem to be more elegant.

Then there are the bridal magazines. I bought two of them recently, in an effort to get myself into the wedding planning mood. I had to spend thirty minutes with Ms. magazine just to psych myself into buying these magazines first.

Yeah, gag me with all your to-do lists. I have better things to do with my time than become fixated on flowers and bonbonnieres - whatever those bonbonnieres are.

As the price of the wedding has now escalated to over $16,000, I am ready to pack a suitcase and run off to do volunteer work in Rwanda. $16,000 on one fucking day is not me!!! $16 a day in Rwanda could definitely be me!

My parents say that when I started talking, I asked for trucks and planes. I took apart cassette players and stuffed forks into electrical sockets during my infancy. Oh, I did get a Barbie for one birthday, but I gave her up after two days and a garish makeup job.

I dabbled in dumpster-diving, break-and-enters, fantasy noveling and backpack travelling. I am quite happy with who I am. I really want to continue being this person.

However, I am afraid the forces of normality are working their magic to erode me. I came across my two-year plan from 2004 and saw that I missed out on my April 2006 goal: a month in Bologna.

Where was I during April 2006? Putting in extra unpaid hours at work and suffering anxiety attacks all month. Not improving my Italian nor basking in socialist greatness. If it weren't for Matt, I'd be mulling bridge-jumping.

When my younger sister started her "playing house" phase and started planning her wedding, she changed from fun-to-hang-around-with-younger-sister to scary wedding-is-everything-in-my-world-younger-sister.

It's funny and ridiculous what a wedding can do to people. Don't let the power of the wedding rule you!

PS How about a $16 wedding in Rwanda?
Hon - get yourself to www.indiebride.com It has been my only salvation as we talk and plan our wedding. I hear you.

Lee's very nice aunt (kitty) gave me 7 inches of bridal porn (Lee's grandmother calls it Kitty litter). It and the insulting cake topper did not make it on the airplane home.

Seriously indiebride is the only thing keeping myself and my newly engaged friend sane. Lee & I's rule is the only tradition we need are the one's we like. (and even then our wedding is heading way more weddingy then I ever thought I'd have.)
"...Catholics seem to be more elegant".

Coffee snort!! That is the FUNNIEST thing I have read in a long time. Either that, or it's the heighth of sarcasm and satire.

Signed: Recovering Catholic
Get a Justice of the Peace, find a nice park, and have a big party. Tim and I had a potluck wedding. It was great. With the dress, the tux, the flowers, and everything else - we did it for less than $2,500. It can be done, and look lovely too. Never forget that this is YOUR wedding - not your parents or your friends - its YOUR wedding. :-)
Whenever you feel down about planning the wedding, call me and we will go to the nearest open karaoke bar so we/I/you can sing My Way. It's your wedding, and you should do it your way. It's a cliche but true, take it from you old buddy Bride(smaid)zilla here. (By the way, the B-Zilla term drives me insane.)
Second, the words Potluck and Wedding do not go together. Like, Tupperware containers of bean salad. Let's be thrifty with weddings, not downright cheap.
Oh and dear Maktaaq, there is a lot of depressing wedding stuff out there, such as celebrity wedding porn and stationery catalogues of things like Bride and Groom champagne glasses, but you are so wonderful and creative, trust that there is no way you will have anything close to an awful, stereotypical wedding.
Justin: I like the $16 wedding in Rwanda idea. :) Is your sister normal again?

Barb: Are you going to the wedding next week? Because I want to find out all about this wedding porn and the ridiculous cake topper. (I read a bit of indiebride last night - must read more.)

Broadsheet: I want to hear more from that recovering Catholic point of view. I went to a Catholic school; as it was before puberty, everything was hunky-dory, except for being called into the principal's office for being unchristian and coveting a pair of red shoes.

LJ: I like the Justice of Peace idea, as I am rather nervous of talking in public about my private feelings.

MaikoPunk: I've just been so busy, when I finally get a moment to myself it's ridiculously late to call anyone. I hate the word Bridezilla too. What's celebrity wedding porn? I am leaning more and more to your suggestion of a cemetery bridal shower. If it rains, I want us to dress in black gothic lolita clothing and head out to the fancy Kerrisdale teashop. Besides, I want a bat-and-black-cat themed wedding. Is that wrong? Because I am Transylvanian and because Matt has a black cat...
dear Maktaaq,
I got married in 1980, a morning in my parents' backyard, a few close friends and relatives, a friend who was/is an Episcopal minister reading the short simple ceremony (from which we excised the thing about having children). I wore a white outfit I put together at the second hand store- it turned out to be Victorian underwear. Then we went to a roadhouse and danced to a local jazz band till we were soaked to the skin.
It was still an agonizing hassle.
Pick one or two things that are meaningful to you:
for me it was handmade invitations, a poem by John Donne and zinnias.
Then just pick the right mate and weather it.
Marriage is a lot better and more fun than the wedding but you gotta go through it to get married.
MaikoPunk is right about potluck weddings... out of the 600 weddings Dave and I have attended in 8 years (we're wedding photographers), one of the absolute worst I will always remember was a 'bring your own booze and burgers' civil ceremony in a hostel... in Whistler. Dessert was a horrid pyramid of cupcakes decorated with bulk supermarket candy.

Cheap doesn't have to be tacky. We got hitched on a $1000 budget including the license and none of our 30 guests had to bring their own food and drink.
you've got a year to go - that's such a load of time to plan that really, you don't even have to start shopping for wedding dresses for another six months if you don't want to.
What you you should start enjoying right away is saying things like "My fiancee and I this and that" and "My fiancee and I were talking about sea slugs the other day, and did you know..." etc. and then people will ask you when you're getting married and to see the ring, and ooh and ah over you. The point is, just enjoy the stage you're in.
Somebody told me while I was planning my wedding that the day would go by so fast, and to enjoy it.
Plan a day that you'll enjoy. :) I'll help. It may take awhile to research the zombie strippers, mark you.
It doesn't have to be all white and crap. Just think about it as a party, not as a wedding.
Happy Day!!!! Haven't been here for a while, but Congratulations! Screw the wedding... that's what we're doing. We've rented a house in Hawaii and are going to party for a whole week... then get married. I went to a bridal show earlier this year and decided that that was for the freakin birds.
Julie: I like the bit about Victorian underwear.

Chief-Ten-Bears: you're a wedding photographer? How can you stand it? My industry is only very marginally part of the wedding brouhaha and even so weddings are the most obnoxious thing in the world.

MaikoPunk: "My fiancee and I were talking about sea slugs the other day, and did you know..." Ok, I'll let people know every time we do you know what. Any luck with those zombie strippers?

Riona: thanks for the comment!

Imogene: Great idea, kind of like having the honeymoon before the wedding.
Sorry for the late post -- but my computer crashed and I was computer-less for a few agonizing weeks.

I hear you Maktaaq! I am getting married in September, in Tofino, and the very idea makes me break out in hives. I can't tell you how much I've complained about this wedding. My idea of a perfect wedding is going down to city hall in jeans. Sigh. Unfortunately, my hubby's family is quite traditional. Here's what I did, just to keep my sanity: home-made invitations instead of that expensive store-bought stuff (it's a small wedding -- another one of my demands), a dress that I can wear again (a light tan colour, pretty but not a wedding dress), appropriate vows (I haven't written this yet, but there will be none of that "to have and to hold" crap). We also found a very very cool restaurant in Tofino -- not the stuffy 5 star place my in-laws wanted. It's owned by a really cool no-nonsense woman, who cooks her food in a big purple truck!

I wish you luck! Hang in there and decide what you want for yourself.

PS I hope you're around at the beginning of September -- I'll let you know when we arrive -- it would be great to go out for coffee or something.
D., I'll be around in September - just email me a couple weeks in advance (I only check my email once a week or so).

I am so glad others are as wedding-weary as I am! I have come to grips that a small wedding just will not happen, but I have other requirements in return for giving up on this.
The earth may be overpopulated but that hasn't made adoption any easier, even for a native born child.

We can't afford the the hefty pricetag of at least $20,000. That doesn't include all the time you have to take off work for arrangements, travel, parent classes, etc.
Hmm, Anonymous, a biologicial child might be cheaper in conceiving, but from there on the price is the same. Besides, don't you think that most biological parents themselves can use some parenting classes?

Besides the $20,000 is meant to keep human traffickers away from these kids - surely some misguided yokel who can afford a $30,000 SUV piece of crap can afford to make one child's dreams come true?
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