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Impossible Demands 


Friday, February 09, 2007


Image courtesy Krisdemeanor

This wedding business is depressing me. I've been to five wedding gown shops and the frocks especially depress me. Oh, Modern Fashion, why do you punish those of us veering from the bone path? Come on, back cleavage? Sheesh.

Now my sister has a dress that's pici în cur. For those of you who don't know Romanian, this means she'll be looking hot, which always means hotter than me, which in turn means the, by comparison, I'll be very obviously the ugly one, which, taking into account that I'll be the bride, means that my ugliness will be magnified to the most humiliating degree ever.

Basically I've given up on the wedding thing. From a position of hardly caring, I now care even less.

In a previous state of wedding depression, my friend Barb recommended the Indie Bride website. Now that I've plummeted to the Mariana Trench of wedding depression, I've been exploring the forums, trying to find the other tomboys forced to partake in the ceremony of humiliation.

The most uplifting find was a conversation among those who just want to give up on reality and dwell in fantasy. Readers, exasperated with their own realities, added their own lists of impossible demands.

I decided to play this new game. I picked over the other readers' lists and compiled the desires that matched my own into my list. I also added my own desires.

Thus, Reality, here are my demands.

I want:

- to have all my friends and family live within walking distance.
- to not have to drive so much.
- be able to teleport all over the world.
- Ivan the Cat and Lucian the Hamster join Matt and I in our old age - in other words, screw the brief hamster lifespan!
- daily massages.
- to live in Europe. With my new library.
- to effortlessly learn new languages.
- to read faster.
- all misogynists, anti-abortionists, racist losers, torturers, rapists, pedophiles, neocons to simply disappear off the face of the earth.
- to have Toblerone, Cadburies, Godiva chocolates, Raffaello, European-manufactured Nutella (the North American and Australian ones taste different), Manner wafers and the mysterious Belgian spreadable chocolate that comes in a cubic jar whenever I want, but never to gain weight or develop diabetes.
- more Tex Mex, dim sum, Japanese home-cooked, Taiwanese, Malaysian, Indian, Thai, Tunisian and Hungarian meals.
- to come up with the words I need to complete my novel.
- to have more people like my novel than people who hate it.
- to only have to do the interesting, rewarding aspects of my job.
- to think faster so I can write faster.
- for all restaurants to serve only free-range, organic, ethically-killed meat so I can enjoy a damn steak.
- to write letters to all my long lost friends around the world before it's too late or they forget me.
- to be able to watch my Japanese neice grow up (I miss her terribly).
- my parents, Matt's parents and my former Japanese in-law parents to live very long and very healthy lives.
- all my friends from Taiwan, Japan, the Philippines, Romania, Moldova, Ethiopia, Estonia, Poland, the US, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Korea, Italy, France, Norway and Austria to all be in the same place one day for the biggest party of my life.
- my parents to retire.
- my grandmother to make some friends so she can stop being depressed all the time.

What are your impossible demands?

Labels:


Comments:
heh...that's a cute picture. I can relate to the wedding depression wishing for a fantastical solution - if you want company over a cup of tea, let me now!
 
I'm sending you all the saved up good-wedding-juju I can muster.

The important things are you, the boy, and what you say to one another. Knowing you, and knowing the boy, I'm pretty confident you've got the third thing sewn up.

Don't sweat the details. They'll come together. Somehow. : )
 
Mel: Yes! Matt just reminded me that you're getting married the day after us!

Moofie: You know me and the boy? Who are you, stranger? I don't know about the details coming together - I've been procrastinating on everything. I can't even bring myself to call the priest, thus can't even send out the invitations yet.

Eh. In five months this torture will be done.

Meanwhile, don't you guys have any outlandish demands?
 
I think you should demand that all other females dress as zombies. Just think how great the pictures would be.
 
Brilliant, Rurality!

I'll print that on the invitations. Dress: Business zombie casual.
 
I didn't realize it didn't post my name. It's Lee ovah heah!

Barb definitely used Indie Bride as a support resource, and she also got some good feedback on suppliers. It was a very helpful web site indeed.

If you want the phalanx of Godzillas with bridal veils, you say the word and we'll make it happen.
 
Eric: I was not going to delete your spam at first because I thought at least it was smarty type spam. But I changed my mind.

Moofie: A phalanx of bridal Godzillas! Matt and I wondered where we could find Godzilla toys.
 
Smarty-type spam? This is a genre with which I'm unfamiliar. There's the unintentionally surrealist spam, sure, but it's hardly smart.

Impossible demands (what, no one's playing?): on a personal level, they mostly revolve around having more energy, motivation, ambition, etc. And great hair.

Possessions: I'll take a teleporter, a replicator, a Pouch of Holding (for moving day), and the Gift of Tongues, please. And maybe a holodeck if you have one (although with a teleporter to travel around the world and the ability to speak in any language, who really needs it?). Oh, and I've always wanted a telepathic dragon companion (what little girl after reading a Pern novel hasn't?).

On a benevolent level: world peace, global IQ boost of 100 points, cure for cancer, colonization of space, no spam, etc.
 
Impossible demand:

...to see a bunch of wind-up dinosaurs in bridal veils (or are these nurses in training?).

Anyway, you've granted me my wish, er uh, demand (anagram for "madden," careful!).

Thanks and Happy Valentine's Maktaaq.
 
* To get a marvelous job in New York City that lets me edit scripts for HBO and work with a lot of cool, emotionally secure people

* To have an apartment in New York that is near a subway, and live with dudes and dudettes that do things like throw pasta at the walls and bring cool things home like shopping carts and plastic heads and put them around the living room

* To have all my friends move to New York with me, and to have us stay close

* To make new friends, as well

* To fall in love with a Non-Jerk, and what the hell, he'd have a Scottish/Irish accent. And be as tall as me.

* To be able to run as long as I wanted, and be completely untired and weightless.
 
* And to start a new blog that is funkadelicious about my adventures in the city
 
Bluewyvern: I like your demands. Why didn't I think of those? But...what's a holodeck?

Julie: Your impossible demand has been met?

Anna: I have never seen your comments here, so thank you for reading! I like New York too. Not too sure about the shopping carts - a little too homeless for me. But the plastic doll heads...If I had the drive, I'd collect hundreds of them and stick them on pikes in some incongruous place.
 
Hi- don't know you- found your blog by searching for the word Maktaaq. You sound like a funny and intelligent chick.

You do have some misconceptions about those of us who are pro-life. Yes, I am against abortion, and have very good reasons for being so. I just have compassion for babies. I love babies. How does that put me in the same category as misogynists, pedophiles, etc?

Ann
 
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