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Sunday, February 18, 2007
Edmonton - To celebrate the Year of the Pig and to show our porcine compatriots that we care about them, the province of Alberta - the so-called Texas of Canada - moved to protect pigs during their year. A new law has been introduced that requires death certificates for pigs, including butchered pigs.
Alberta Vital Statistics maintains a record (registration) of all deaths that occur in Alberta. While the sex of the animal and the date of death can be easily for the porcine death certificate, other information is harder to obtain. For example, simply finding the full name of the hog may be a problem, especially in the faceless, nameless environment of the factory farm. With the introduction of this new law, farmers are scrambling to name all their pigs.
"I have to carry a damned baby name book with me," says disgruntled farmer James Parkinson of Lethbridge. "And even with the baby book, I am out of choices. I have taken to renting Bollywood films for more name ideas."
Another farmer, Red Deer's Daniel Rooney, explains, "Who wants to say they are anti-pig? But at the same time, when you have ten thousand porkers ready for the cans of beans and weiners, can you really distinguish between Billie Bob and Billie Rae?"
The new law has failed to provide farmers with the answer as how to approach the burial information of the deceased. Alberta Vital Statistics spokesperson Dr. Ben Woczinski explained options in last night's press conference. The law requires that every pig part carry its own death certificate. Whether it's a loin going to the local supermarket, or the various lips and assholes that comprise a hot dog, consumers may receive from one to thousands of death certificates per pork purchase.
"The consumer has ten days to fill out the burial information for the pig and return it to the office of Vital Stats," says Dr. Woczinski. While urban dwellers are scrambling to trace their toilet outputs to their respective sanitation centres, small town and isolated citizens are merely reinstating the outhouse.
Even pre-Chinese New Year pigs aren't exempt. "All finds of unaccounted-for pig parts will be considered homicides," says the Calgary Police Department's Sgt. Jean Lagrande, returning from a police New Year banquet. He adds: "Heck, the Year of the Pig is also good for us."
Also happy with the new law are vegetarians, vegans and the chubby men who want to canoe Alberta's remote rivers. Rats, long banned in the province, are also anticipating a law repealing their segregation in 2008, the Year of the Rat.
Reaching Daisy Mae, a hog on Canmore's Triple Q Farms, for comment, the young mother of 39 had this to say: "Oink."
Labels: Rewriting the News
Being that Canada is basically a foreign country to me, it took an embarrassingly long time for me to figure out that this was cunning fiction.
How would wild pigs (boars?) fit in?
I wanted to write in boars too. I just couldn't figure out how they fit into the whole scheme. Hmm...or javelinas - javelinas are cool.Post a Comment
Justin, btw, the link to your blog doesn't work. Everyone else, his blog is at http://www.shock-e.com/.