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Wednesday, July 04, 2007
I think I can speak up about this hurt I've been carrying for a month and a half.
I was very spectacularly dumped by my best friend a few days before my wedding. She was to be my bridesmaid, more because I wanted her nearby to hear her devilish brand of humour than for any traditional reasons. Instead she strung me along that she would show up, until I finally wised up the day before the wedding and told her that I knew I was being bullshitted and that she should go do whatever it was she really wanted to do and not bother coming out to my wedding.
Which she did.
Two and a half years of her living in Chicago, me in Vancouver, and she didn't even care to see me. She couldn't even wait a few hours for me to finish my shift at work before she was off to the Rockies.
Then there is the bridal shower. I didn't really care one way or the other, but once she insisted on one, I thought it would be fun. Three days before, she announces to my family that I am too busy so we should scrap it. For some reason, I was disappointed and my family and one friend decided to forge ahead. Then disappointment #2.
None of my friends came, aside from the one helpful friend. Everyone complained about the location in the suburbs. Probably the price too - I remember being unemployed and carefully parsing out my funds, reserved for life-giving meals - but everyone seemed interested in coming until the address was spoken.
Family is really more important: I was instead surrounded by relatives, who "showered" me with cooking implements. The one friend who helped out and actually showed up - I knew she was great before but now I really know.
The reason I came out with this shameful story, that I am bestfriendless and people now suspect I made up a cool imaginary best friend to be normal and that furthermore I am, almost, friendless, is because of something that's been bothering me for the last day or so.
It's Kwik-E-Mart. More specifically, the one to which I formerly lived next door.
It's out in the suburbs. It's far away.
That doesn't stop people from hopping on a bus and making the trek from downtown. I don't know if any of my invitees went to Kwik-E-Mart. I don't want to know. But I am pretty sure they wouldn't bat an eye and forget that two months ago they balked at going anywhere in the vicinity.
None of them read my blog. It's only conjecture that they may have said "Real Frosted KrustyO's? Let's take the 40-minute bus ride to the frontier and get us some!" But I am pretty sure they did. So I can be bitter.
I guess people are more attracted to a made-up cartoon family and its slick Hollywood marketing than me.
Now I know I am pretty well meaningless to most people. Yet now I know at least which people like me and that I should treat those people better.
Update: Who says I can't help the Hollywood money-making machine along with every one else?
I am proud to be part of the zeitgeist!
(Thank you to Upside-Down Hippopotamus for introducing me to this madness.)
Weddings, and perhaps more so marriage, seem to really mess with some people's minds. My sister, who has amazing gardens and prides herself on her flower arrangements, was on line to create the flowers for my very casual wedding. I didn't care what she did, just that she mashed together a few stems was enough; something that she had made was all I wanted. Two days before the wedding, she coldly informed me she just didn't have the time.
A woman I barely knew (I had worked with her husband on an insane fat free microwaveable french fry campaign a year earlier) uncovered the floral shoppe I flew to at the last moment, and covered the expense of my flowers as a wedding gift.
My single and miserable sister (well, actually, she has been dating the same married man for over a decade---hence the miserable) sat disinterested thru my really fun clam bake on the beach wedding, and left early because she had to get home to walk her dog.
I felt hurt for a while, but then I remembered subtle hints my sister had provided over the years, such as the fact that she always cries at weddings because she feels so sorry for herself.
My very best friend also bailed out on the wedding--at least mentally. She just could not be there for me due to her own mental dealings with her love life. She alternated between pulling me away from the festivities to get my take on whether a really stupid boy she was chasing, who btw was 12 years younger than she and there with an equally stupid date) was "acting weird towards her," and vanishing into oblivion to hide and likely weep over her own singleness in the face of her best friend's non singleness.
I witness it at every wedding. Best friends and sisters turning away from someone they love because they cannot remove themselves from themselves.
In time, I forgave the friend, but exiled the sister (there were other complications beyond the flowers). However, the closeness with the best friend was never the same, and I have never again found a "best" friend.
Enjoy the personal happiness you worked so hard to create. I have read your blog, I know you earned it fair and square. Friends, no matter how dear, can go squirrely when marriage (that is not their own) is in the air.
You are an amazing woman, and the path ahead is going to be equally amazing. I would have been honored to attend your shower. And btw, I grew up in 7-11's. My parents had two of them at a time when I was seven and my sister 11. No matter what you call 'em, they bode evil, and no amount of Simpsons can cure that disease.
Delurking because misery loves company. I too have been there, with friends who really aren't, and acquaintances who become so much more.
You clearly don't need to be told about cherishing those who are great - but I figured some hearty validation that sometimes people do suck, and you're absolutely entitled to be crabby about it, couldn't hurt.
my heart went out to you when all that crap was going on. You have to expect a little drama with weddings, but that was truly off-the-charts behaviour.
you know I've ranted forever about the location-related prejudice of people in this city. Although I find that fewer are actually coming out and saying X location in the 'burbs is too far; instead, it's some lame cover-up excuse about "work" to hide their true geographical prejudices. whoa, off I go again.
and as you may have gathered, I did go to Kwik-E-Mart thingy yesterday. It was craziness. fun, yeah, but I chafe at the marketing immersion, too. Hey, wanna go to H+M when it opens?
Philistines! Once you have become rich and famous they will RUE the day that they were so mean to you. You should probably still shun them though, no matter how prettily they beg.
Thank you all for the comments! It makes me feel better that you all joined me in villifying the jerks.
Lyn: 2 days before? How jerky! I'm glad you were as easygoing as I tried to be. I like the description of throwing together flowers. I let my florist choose the theme colour because, quite frankly, I didn't "have a colour."
Anyhow, I hate weddings, but I always make sure to go to my friends and (if I'm not) pretend to be happy. I have heard stories from other people who've had similar issues with their friends at their weddings. Can't understand it. I mean, unless the bride is torturing hamsters as part of the ceremony, I could put up with almost anything (though I will secretly roll my eyes).
So when did you get married?
As for the insane fat free microwaveable french fry campaign: more!
Thank you for the long message - I really enjoyed reading about your experience.
Jen: Yes, I read your blog recently and meant to comment on the wedding planning horror. I should have known better than to put too much trust in one friend...in fact, I should have known years ago that she didn't care at all for me. Anyhow, I have a new best friend now.
Xine: H&M, yes. I am a marketing mercenary. Besides, I haven't bought new clothes in 2-3 years. Vintage only, baby. Btw, you know that you attach your blog address in these comments?
Justin: Thank you for your sentiments. I wanted to answer, "I will destroy them all," but someone might take that as an actual threat and have me arrested.
Rurality: watch your language, young lady! (Tee hee hee. I like the rich and famous part.)
You will be gratified to know that the only reason I went to the Kwik-E-Mart was because it was within a short ride of my house, and moreover, that anyone who arrived on the day the Kwik-E-Mart was actually established (Tuesday) almost certainly would have faced bare shelves where the Krusty-Os and Buzz Cola once sat.
All that was left was Squishees, and those are just Slurpees.
But not me: I went on Monday as well, and in my fridge now resides a can of Buzz Cola.
And soon, I will drink it! Preferably in front of someone who regards it as a valuable collectible!
A ha ha ha!
Ryan: I would go to Kwik-E-Mart too, but I guess they've sold out of everything.
Dang, missed another cultural landmark.
My marriage, long since over, was the equivalent of the Kwik-E- Mart. It held lots of promise and fun, but when I got there, the shelves were bare.
He was the cute, stoner guy that every high school has at least one or two of, as well as a sheet rocker with a penchant for putting his fist thru the walls. I married him on an impulse.
I always said, "No more marriage for me." However, I am about to embark on a trip to Italy that includes reuniting with a man with whom I share a reciprocal 27 year old unrequited crush. I go under the guise of business as he wants me to ghost something for him, but we shall see...
And the insane fat free microwaveable french fry that caused me to nearly brown out midtown Manhattan during the PR press luncheon (who knew you couldn't run 40 microwaves at once!). They ended up being deep fried and the press loved 'em. I did hire an expert who told me we were wired and ready to go, but when I saw it was not going to go, I marched into the kitchen and gave the command to dunk 'em.
PR really sucks.
Wow, this is sad, reading about all these people treating people crappily. My sympathies. :(
I often wish you lived in New York...I'm in the market for new friends, too, and I know we'd get along splendidly. At least I'm pretty sure I wouldn't ditch you for your wedding.
Oops, that's more geographical prejudice, isn't it? ;)
People are wierd at weddings. Honestly.
I'm soo sorry at what you had to go thru. That's not right. Those true colors should have been shown way sooner.
I was so upset to hear about this when it happened, and reading this again brings it to mind again. Maybe weddings do mess with peoples' minds. At any rate, I hope it doesn't overshadow the fact that it was a great day despite the rudeness of one person, you and your new husband looked great, the attendees had a great time celebrating with you, and many of us will remember it warmly for a long time to come.
As for being geographically isolated, Pam sometimes says that she wishes that all of her old friends from Boston could move up here with her, but we sometimes have trouble even getting anyone we knew back East to visit. This doesn't make us regret the move here. There are just too may things on the plus side of the ledger. After all, we met you! :)
Sometimes 'friends' (small "f) suck! I hope you didn't give her a second thought on your wedding day. She didn't deserve the attention.
You can't pick your family but you can pick your friends. All of us have had 'friends' who use and abuse. It's tough to tell a friend to "get lost", we don't want to hurt their feelings. You need to realize that you come first - not in a selfish way but in a protective way - if that makes any sense. Putting yourself out for 'friends' when there is no reciprocation will lead you into feeling used and angry. Take care of yourself before you start taking care of others. If you're not happy then how can you hope to make others happy? Hoping all the best for you.
I am going to answer the comments backwards for once:Post a Comment
Morgan: I agree that number one is most important. I also think that we humans are meant to be social creatures and that we need to take chances on people, even if it means getting hurt. Besides, I believe that altruism (which I am at fault for not practicing in this instance with my now former best friend) is ultimately selfish because one feels so good after having committed it. I've decided I must shower my affection on people who have showered me with affection. So I bought my sister some jam and oatmeal, for example.
LJ: I actually feel really sorry for this friend. I had a suspicion that her husband put her up to it. He hates me. And it turned out, from my friend's excuses, that he did put her up to it. I will blog about it one day when I don't care about ruining my good mood.
Mr. Drucker: Aw, shucks. Thanks! Why is it so hard to get people to visit Vancouver. I thought this place had a great reputation abroad.
RHCD: Those true colours were shown sooner. I just decided not to listen to my intuition the previous times.
Bluewyvern:I know we'd get along splendidly! We'd at least go for more of that mint steamed milk at that place with the mean Eastern European waitress.
Lyn: Italy? Italy? I didn't read this thoroughly when you left the message. I must still have been depressed. Where in Italy? How did it go? Oh, Italy, I miss that place.