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Pod Person Testament 


Saturday, August 11, 2007

I may not have long to live. In case I die mysteriously during the night and found tomorrow morning as a rotting pod person wallowing in a labyrinth of red fungal matter, please use this blog post as a starting point for the investigation into my death.

For weeks, Matt and I have noticed red dust all over Ivan the cat's bathroom. At first I blamed it on plastic. I suspected that our latest package of toilet paper was shedding the red ink printed on it. Once we finished that package of toilet paper and got a different brand, the red dust continued to pollute Ivan's bathroom.

So I next laid the blame on the mushrooms. Below our window, hundreds of mushrooms sprouted during the recent rains. Pretty little things, with jaunty caps, as if you'd expect them to start dancing. Must've been their spores wafting through our open window.

But tonight, I found out. I stuck my finger, unwittingly, into the heart of the matter.

In a frenzy to clean out the pet supplies cabinet to get to my foot bath basin, I found long-forgotten packages of cat and hamster treats. I collected a handful for Lucian, then a handful for Ivan.

Then I opened Ivan's container of Pounce. The Bigger Softer Bite. Beef flavoured. Never even remembered buying it.

The inside was a red dust. Yet, I didn't quite believe it was red dust. I did not believe what I saw. I poked it.

My husband was horrified. "Oh, my god, that's where all the red spores have been coming from!"

*****

If you remember grade twelve biology, you recall the five kingdoms of life forms: bacterial, protist, fungal, plant and animal. You know that antibiotics kill bacteria, that fungicides kill fungi, that neither can kill viruses because viruses do not quite fit into any of the five kingdoms nor are even living organisms.

Yet, after sticking my finger in the motherlode of red spores, my first reaction was to douse my hands with anti-bacterial soap and scrub away. With no bleach around, this was the first thing I saw that spelled salvation.

I even accidentally ripped off the scab over my recent burn, probably in the process infecting myself further with the red spores.

Now I am sitting here, awaiting fate.

The vector for a new and terrifying fungal disease, I will be patient zero of some awful epidemic. While it would be nice if I start a dramatic zombie plague and end up triggering armageddon, I'll probably just fester into an oozing red slime. Not too ladylike, I'm afraid. Please, please, just don't let my pod double be some sort of gelatinous freak with a dog body and Donald Sutherland's head.

Good god, I already feel the mushrooms sprouting in my veins.

It can't be long now.



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Comments:
I'm less worried about you dying, than about you being taken over by the spore-masters.

With your formidable undead fighting knowledge, I think you'll be a very dangerous foe. How will I know it's you when next we meet?
 
How do you it's been the real me all along so far?

(Join us. Life is better when you're part of the fungal community.)
 
I feel that I have become infected just by reading this. Oh nooooo.
 
Well, you haven't tried to either eat my brain or puppet-ize me up until now, so for my purposes, that was "the real you" in the crown.
 
wasn't there some movie with the threat of pussy willows's grown out of ear canals. anyhow, put up another picture of one of those meese if you don't mind (preferrbly laying on it's back waiting for it's belly to be rubbed!)
 
Oh, it was a week ago!
Are you OK?
 
Honestly, I do hope you have survived. If so, there are some books I have been meaning to make mention of to you:

http://www.hamsteropera.co.uk/janis_mitchell.htm
hamster opera
hamster ballet
hamster history of Britain

I, Freddy and the rest of the series( 5 in all) by Deitlof Reiche

It appears that hamsters- not zombies- are taking over the world, well, at least the literary world, and I would hate for you to miss any of these amazing works.

Good luck with the zombie thing...
 
Rurality: no posts on your blog lately. I fear the worst.

Moofie: Puppetizing. That's a good useful word for when I take over the world.

Risa: I am, oddly, still alive and seemingly without plant parts sprouting out of me.

Lyn: I am working on writing reviews of all the hamster care books out there. I just don't have much time for blogging. But I will look into these!
 
ew, ew, ew, That's a perfect balance of horrifying and hilarious.
 
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